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I can only imagine a mom and dad who are as tired as anyone can be, eager to see this article on sleep, and finding that we had made it unavailable for a little while!
We had to do that because I didn’t write the article clearly enough and need to clarify some very important facts.
It would be hard to find as strong a proponent of the family bed as I am. Yet, I have received email commenting that there were sections of this “plan” which were easy to misinterpret as being just another angle on “sleep training” for young babies. It is not meant to be that. Not even close to an endorsement of the benefits of getting your baby to “soothe herself to sleep” during the first year.
Here’s what I really want to do: I want to offer an alternative to Ferber and Weisbluth and the Whisperer. I never want to see my ideas applied to a four month old or even a seven month old baby. As a matter of fact, I am not too excited about pushing any baby around at night but I know that sometimes it will be done and I’d like to offer a gentle, supported plan for after the first year.
Before I go any further, let me express my overriding concern. Babies do better when we answer all their questions as best we can and meet their needs as best we can.
Most of the families I have taken care of in my pediatric practice sleep in a family bed.
Their babies tend to breastfeed for more than one year and they don’t sleep through the night any better than most of us would if we napped and cuddled within inches of the best restaurant in town and knew it was open 24 hours a day.
This arrangement is not just adequate and tolerable, but actually feels easier to moms who can just roll over, nurse a while and fall back to sleep with their babies rather having to get out of bed to nurse or, alternatively, refuse to nurse and get their babies back to sleep some other way.
Lots of parents continue this pattern through the first year and well into the second and beyond, but some get tired of it — or just plain tired — after a while and are looking for a way to change things. Saddest of all, some moms and dads think that total weaning from breastfeeding is the best way to get more sleep. They choose not to look into nighttime weaning as a good option instead.
There are dozens of confusing books and magazine articles implying that there can be some quick and easy way to get your baby to sleep or to not nurse through the night. I have yet to read one which told parents the complete truth: It’s not easy, it’s rarely quick and it’s usually a little loud and heartbreaking for a few nights . . . or more. I have seen too many families needing help and getting offered choices they didn’t like at all.
I have a better alternative to completely weaning or to letting the baby cry it out. Babies wake up for the optimal interaction with their moms, breastfeeding back to sleep. If we offer them a little less than that for a few nights and then a little less and still less in the ensuing nights, gentle behavior modification will lead them to realize that it might not be “worth it” to knock on the door of a closed restaurant, so to speak.
I don’t recommend any forced sleep changes during the first year of life. Probably the only exception to this would be an emergency involving a nursing mom’s health. There are many suggestions in books and magazines for pushing “sleeping through the night” during a baby’s early months or during the first year. I don’t think this is the best thing to do and I am quite sure that the earlier a baby gets “non-response” from parents, the more likely he is to close down at least a little.
Don’t get me wrong. I love the family bed, child-led weaning and cuddling all through the first, second, third year or more if it’s working well and if the family is doing well. Don’t let anyone convince you that this is a harmful choice or that there will be “no way” to get him out of your bed if you don’t do it now. Don’t believe anyone who says that babies who cuddle and nurse all night long “never” learn to self soothe or become independent. This is simply nottrue but it sells books and the myths stay in our culture.
Some moms just don’t want to do this after some months or years and there should be a third choice to the dichotomy of crying it out or giving in to all-night nursing. Again, I support the family bed and frequent night nursing for a long time and even attempt to pull some parents along “just a little farther,” but I often have to switch tacks and support and help families with difficult choices.
Here’s what I recommend for older babies:
Choose the most valuable seven hours of sleep for yourselves. I personally prefer 11p.m. through 6 a.m. but you might have a slightly different idea.
Change the rules during those hours and be comfortable that a “well-built” family bed baby’s personality can withstand this rule changing and the mild inconsistency of getting everything he wants all the time . . .oops, almost all the time. That’s the word we want to show this baby. The word “almost.” If only we could explain to him that “tired moms and dads take their children to the park a little less and that children of well-rested parents get to go the zoo and for hikes a lot more than children of exhausted parents.” If that explanation only made sense to kids somewhere before the third birthday (and it doesn’t!) they would simply roll over, say, “See you in the morning,” and let us get the sleep we want.
I try to do this in three- and four-night intervals.
I’m assuming that you have a wonderfully healthy 12-, 15-, 20- or 30-month old baby who still loves to wake up every 2 to 4 hours to cuddle, eat or . . . whatever. I’m assuming that you have thought this through, decided you want to make changes and alerted the neighbors that it might be a little noisy for a week or so.
I’m assuming that both parents agree — or almost agree — that this is the best thing to do. And, most important assumption of all, you are willing to go “in a straight line” to the goal of seven straight hours of sleep.
The reason for that last statement: If your baby learns that crying, squirming and fussing (euphemisms, let’s just say “crying” . . . sorry) for an hour will get him fed you will set yourself back quite a bit. This is the best program I have seen but it’s far from easy. And now, to say it again, I really like what you’ve been doing. Cuddling, nursing, hugging through the night. Don’t change this with my program or any other if you’re happy doing what you’re doing. But . . .
The First Three Nights
At any time before 11 p.m. (including 10:58) nurse to sleep, cuddle and nurse when he wakes up and nurse him back to sleep, but stop offering nursing to sleep as the solution to waking after 11 p.m.. Instead…..
When your baby awakens at midnight or any other time after 11 p.m., hug him, nurse him for a short time but make sure he does not fall asleep on the breast and put him down awake. Rub and pat and cuddle a little until he falls asleep but don’t put him back on the breast (or give him a bottle if that’s what you’ve been doing). He must fall asleep with your comfort beside him, but not having to nurse to feel comforted enough to drift off.
Now, he will tell you that he is angry and intensely dislikes this new routine. I believe him. He will also try to tell you that he’s scared. I believe he’s angry, but a baby who’s had hundreds of nights in a row of cuddling is not scared of falling asleep with your hand on his back and your voice in his ear. Angry, yes. Scared, no, not really.
During these first three nights, repeat this pattern only after he has slept. He might sleep for fifteen minutes or he might sleep for four hours, but he has to go to sleep and reawaken to get cuddled and fed again.
These will be hard nights.
You may have decided you’re really not ready to do this. That’s OK. Stop and start over again in a few months if you like. Choosing the right time is crucial and many people choose a time suggested or pushed by friends, doctors or in-laws. This doesn’t work as well.
Is it better to do this in the family bed, a crib in the same room or using a crib in another room? I prefer to continue the family bed even though it might seem harder at first, but it has always seemed harder to me to be putting a baby in and out of a crib. However, a crib or toddler bed in your room may be what works best for you. Another option is to expand your bed’s limits by placing another mattress against your mattress. A bit more space for each family member may help to solve some of the sleep issues. My least favorite choice is a crib or bed in a separate bedroom.
Again, during these first three nights, between 11 p.m. and 6 a.m., cuddle and feed short, put him down awake, rub, pat, talk until he falls asleep and repeat this cycle only after he’s slept and reawakened. At 6:01 a.m., do whatever you have been doing as a morning routine ignoring the previous seven hours’ patterns. Many babies will roll over, nurse and cuddle back to sleep and give you an extra hour or so. Some won’t.
For me, one of the most reassuring parts of this “sleep plan” is seeing that babies wake up fine, happy and grudge-free about the change in the rules. You’ll see what I mean, even if the first few minutes of the morning are not exactly as they’ve always been.
The Second Three Nights
Again, the nursing to sleep stops at 11 p.m. When he wakes up, hug him and cuddle him for a few minutes, but do not feed him, put him down awake. Putting him down awake is a crucial part of this whole endeavor because it really does teach him to fall asleep with a little less contact and then a little less. Not feeding is the big change during these three nights. One-year-old babies can easily go for those seven hours (or more) with no calories. Theylike to get fed a little through the night, but physiologically and nutritionally, this is not a long time to go without food.
If I could wake my wife a few times each night, ask her to squeeze me a little fresh orange juice (my favorite drink) and rub my back while I drank it, I wouldn’t choose to voluntarily give up this routine. My wife might have some different ideas and get tired of the pattern quickly. Babies rarely give up their favorite patterns and things — day or night– without balking and crying.
I really don’t like listening to babies cry. I actually hate listening to babies cry. Unlike them, though, we adults can truly understand the implications of lack of sleep for a family of three, four or more people. Sleep patterns sometimes have to be changed. The incredible safety and reassurance the family bed has provided, and continues to provide, supplies the best context and location for these changes.
During these second three nights, some babies will cry and protest for ten minutes at a time and some will go for an hour or more. Your toddler is aware that you are right beside him, offering comfort and soothing. It just isn’t the mode of comfort he wants at the moment. It is hard to listen to him fuss, but it will work. I believe that a well-loved baby, after a year or more in the family bed, will be the ultimate beneficiary of his parents getting more sleep. Not coincidentally, the parents benefit “big time,” too.
“Yes, for the past many months we have enjoyed voting “1 to 2″ — non-democratically — in favor of . . . the baby. ‘Anyone want to get up all night, feed and walk the baby and be really tired all day and the next day too?’ Well, the vote is 1 to 2 in favor of the baby.”
Now, what we’re saying is, we will sometimes be voting two to one in favor of the baby’s family. This “baby’s family” concept may be abhorrent to he who considers himself the King of England, or Emperor of the Whole World, but our knowing he has that feeling of power allows us to confidently demote the dictator to a majority-respecting member of the family. His family.
By the end of the sixth night, your baby is going back to sleep without being nursed or fed. He’s going back to sleep after a nice hug, a cuddle and with your hand on his back and your words in his ear.
If, at any point this is feeling “wrong” to you, stop, wait some months and start over. Don’t go against your “gut instincts” which tell you that this is the wrong time to get longer sleep intervals from your baby. Your instincts are better than any sleep-modification program ever written.
The Next Four Nights
Nights seven, eight, nine and ten. Don’t pick him up, don’t hug him. When he awakens after 11 p.m., talk to him, touch him, talk some more, but don’t pick him up. Rub and pat only. No feeding either, obviously. He will fall back to sleep. Repeat the rubbing and talking when he reawakens. By the end of the ninth night, he will be falling back to sleep, albeit reluctantly for some babies and toddlers, with only a rub and a soothing voice.
After
After these first ten nights, continue to cuddle and feed to sleep if you like and he wants to, but do nothing when he wakes up except to touch a little and talk to him briefly. This may continue for another three or four nights but occasionally keeps going for another week or more. Then . . . it stops. He has learned that he is just as well-loved, gets virtually everything he needs and wants all day, but must give seven hours per night back to his parents and family.
What happens if you travel, he gets sick or some other circumstance demands a return to more nighttime interaction? Nothing. You do what you need to do (cuddle, nurse, walk, in the middle of the night, as many times as you need to) and then spend a night or two or three getting back to the new pattern the family has established.
By the way, pay the baby. Make sure that he really does get a lot of the benefit of your getting a good night’s sleep. Go to the park more often. Do all those things with him you said you’d do if he ever let you sleep longer. Explain it to him as you’re doing it. He’ll understand in an ever increasing way and will be OK with all this.
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163 Comments
Hello
Next month, after a trip to the UK and getting over jetlag, my daughter will be 8 months and I am feeling ready to try weaning her all night nursing patterns. I have been told that she is merely waking every 2-3hrs out of habit. I have finally eliminated feeding her every time she wakes up between 7:30pm-11pm (used to be every 45 minutes). Now I bounce her or can pat her back to sleep. My question is, should I wake her up at 11 for a feed and then implement your tips? Or just stop all feeds in this gentle way from the minute she goes to sleep for the first time in the night? Or should I say between 8pm and 3am, I’m not going to nurse her and then only once after that? I also would like to start trying her on a bottle. uhhh I have read so many different books and have a ton of DVD’s from different Pediatricians that I am getting so confused.
Please help.
Thank you.
First, and foremost, I don’t believe that an 8 mo old is waking up to nurse simply out of habit. I never recommend trying to adjust an infant’s sleeping patterns prior to a year old. That said, what you have done to get her to sleep a 3 hr stretch at the beginning of her night was likely done because she probably didn’t really nurse well when she was waking up every 45 min? You probably knew that she wasn’t hungry but was having trouble learning how to settle down into her night time sleep pattern? I presume that you got the messages from her that she wanted to be asleep but was continuing to stir before she was in a deep sleep. In that way, you were responding to what she was expressing about the beginnings of her night. I would continue to use patting her back to sleep if you feel that that is what she is really wanting to do…just go back to sleep. As she trusts that you are there for her at night to meet the comforting needs, as well as nursing needs she will naturally begin to space those nursings out at night. If, after a year, you see that she needs a little more encouragement to extend those stretches of sleep, it would be the time to see what gentle means you might could use to view night time as more sleeping and less nursing. You may see that she begins to cut down the amount of time she nurses at night and that gradually shortening of the length of a night time nursing is all part of the process heading toward not nursing during the night.
My position on not trying to manage the sleep of a nursing infant is based predominantly on placing the nursing relationship, the maintenance of milk supply and the nuances of responding to a baby’s growth spurts, teething pain, language acquisition, fine and gross motor skill acquisition and the MANY things that interrupt a baby’s sleep as the highest priority. While it is difficult to always think clearly during the middle of the night, with your clearest thinking you wouldn’t want to do anything that would interrupt the communication that your baby’s body and your body need to maintain optimal milk supply. Beyond that there is a relationship of trust that is being built that tells your baby again and again that if they need you, you will be here. That foundation of the relationship will be key through all the years of bringing up this child!
In terms of wanting to use a bottle I would recommend using a sippy cup or regular cup instead. It eliminates the concern of any kind of nipple confusion that might compromise their latch or affect your supply. You can use expressed breastmilk or distilled water and eliminate introducing another protein source or sugars so as to preserve the gut flora.
It’s wise to research well before making a decision. That’s just what you should be doing. Just don’t forget that your instinct is a good source of guidance. You know your child very well and what she is ready for, what you are hesitant about because you’re not sure she’s ready yet…those instincts are good. Listen to them. You will hear and read many conflicting recommendations from Pediatricians. I think that most Pediatricians are in the business of telling parents what they want to hear…and easier route…a path that doesn’t keep the child as the priority in that first year. That’s what I like so much about Dr. Jay’s advice…it’s what is good for the baby and how to help parents adjust their thinking to understand that it’s what is good for everyone. It may not be what you thought you would be doing, but a lot of things we open ourselves to in this life are good for everyone but not what we thought we would be doing.
Hope that helps.
So thankful for a doctor that really understands breastfeeding and cosleeping relationships! I’m glad to know that there’s an easier approach when we are ready to night wean..we’ve started our third year nursing and cosleeping and thinking that the end of ‘needing’ the breast is coming for both of us to sleep
But honestly, I’ve been trusting my instinct and it all seems to be happening naturally instead of ‘forcing’ the issue before either one of us are ready.
Trusting your instinct is awesome because it does usually lead you down a path that feels naturally progressive for both of you.
When my son was 18 months old I told him he could nurse when the sun came up in the morning. He said “ok” and went back to sleep. It was never an issue. He was content to cuddle with me back to sleep. Now that my daughter is 14 months old, I’m not so sure she is going to be so easy. She is not content to just cuddle back to sleep. Going to wait a few more months and see if there is a natural progression since she sometimes sleeps through the night anyway.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! After yet another long, seemingly endless night with our almost 17 month old, I am desperate for help! I can’t handle the all night, every night, nursing anymore, and we’re all exhausted all day! I’m terrified because my oldest actually went on like this until he was 3 and I finally stopped night nursing. I definitely can’t go on much longer like this, but I KNOW that I cannot handle letting my baby cry it out. It’s just not an option that my instincts are willing to settle for. I am so happy to see such a DETAILED PLAN, from someone I trust, that was made for babies just like mine (breastfed, older, and co-sleeping)! I wish I’d seen this two weeks ago because we’re about to go on vacation, but we’ll be starting this plan as soon as we get back! Thank you, again, SO very much!
Hi, im up to the last part of night weaning, everything is going well, but have a quick question. my 13 month old is sleeping well, goes down around 6.30pm and waking around 4.30am (this is after waking 2-3 times from around 10pm and 6am) i try and resettle which is fine if she does but often she just screams as im sure after not feeding for 10 hours shes hungry. ive been feeding her if she wont resettle, which i feel is best all round but im worried im giving her mixed messages. whats your advice?? im hoping if the good sleep continues she will drop this early feed. so should i persist and try and resettle or continue to feed when she wakes around this time?
thanks for your time!
6:30p – 4:30a is a very long night for a 13 mo. old. I wouldn’t think you’d want to try to make her extend that longer, though I understand your concern of a mixed message. You might want to consider moving those 10 hours a little later if you want to teach her to go to sleep when it gets dark and nurse again (even if she goes back to sleep for another hour or two) when the sun is coming up. If she is calming back to sleep when she wakes at night but just won’t settle back down at 4:30a I’d say that’s a clear indication that by that point she is really hungry and needs to nurse and that your instinct is accurate.
You are being wise to delay teaching her that night time is for sleeping until you return from vacation. You are listening to your natural instincts that resist letting your baby cry at night and those are good instincts! Our babies should learn that they can trust us to be there if they need us…even in the middle of the night…because we want our teens trusting us for the same thing. It’s a relationship of trust that you begin to establish from day one.
thanks Cheryl!
she wont last past 6.30 generally because she is down to one day sleep so is exhausted come 6.30pm, i’ll see how the coming nights go and see if the pattern continues of waking at the same time, but will contiune to feed if she wont settle as she does go back down after that feed, it still quiet dark here in the mornings (southern hemisphere and daylights savings) but will get lighter in the mornings soon when that finishes.
thanks again for your help!
Another option that some moms like is waking baby before the mom goes to sleep for the night to nurse. Some babies will just wake enough to nurse well and go back to sleep. Tricky but I’m sure you’ll figure out something that will work well for the two of you as you progress.
well she slept 10 hours again so i fed and she went back to sleep for another 2 hours so will continue this and see what happens!
i should also mention this has all been done in the cot as we dont co sleep, id prefer not to wake!
thanks so much for this area to ask questions! its brilliant!!
how happy i am to have found this website. i have a question: my daughter will be one in a couple of weeks and we are down to one bedtime feed at 9pm. however, she wakes pretty much every time she reaches a certain point in her sleep cycle. i know she wants to go back to sleep on her own. she crys and throws herself round the bed trying to find a comfortable position so i pretty much always put give her a breast to resettle. this is more for comfort than anything else – she goes back to sleep really fast. i have tried patting her but she wont have it! and ive tried picking her up and rocking her but she struggles against me and cries – she wants to be asleep. this can occur up to 8 or so times a night. on the rare occasion she has slept throughout the night with only 1 or 2 small feeds in between so i know she can do it. she is teething at the moment so i guess this is not helping her. im not quite sure how to help her. what should i do when the patting and holding etc doesnt work – she is going to wake up and then i’ll have to try to get her to sleep again by rocking or feeding. i hope you can help. im just not quite sure of exactly what to do.
Take 2
(Attempting to do this again after not making it through the first attempt due to colds/flu, etc)
My son is two weeks shy of 2 and has slept with us in a family bed since birth. Like Dr. Jay, the sound of his piercing cries when he doesn’t get to nurse practically kills me. What’s worse is that he tends to get violent, thrashing about and hitting both my husband and myself. It’s hard to not get angry seeing as how we’re half asleep when this happens but we try our best to stay calm. It’s gotten so bad that I end up having to nurse him despite knowing that I’m taking two steps backward in this nightweaning process.
Any suggestions for how to get past the physical aspect of a toddler’s anger over this parent-led change of sleep patterns?
I continue to ponder my response to you because there is no easy answer to offer. Regardless of the hows and whys of his night time waking and thrashing about is the fact that this just IS how he half awakens at night. And you struggle to deal with it in your half wakened state as well. While it isn’t likely to change soon, there usually is an improvement of night time sleeping between age 2 and 3, so I will leave you with an encouragement that it should improve. You may want to consider putting a mattress for him adjacent to your bed instead of IN your bed to give him some space to express whatever frustration he obviously struggles with at waking during the night without him hitting or kicking the two of you. Dr. Jay pointed out a good article today that speaks to children and night time – http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/14/night-lights-blankets-and-lullabies/
Hi! My question is only partially related to this article, as my son is not quite 11 mos. old yet and I don’t want to do anything that might prematurely end our nursing journey, nor do I want him in his own bed (we’ve been co-sleeping since he was born and I can’t think of a single reason to change yet), but we do have a problem. Despite the fact that he goes to bed at a solidly reasonable 8:30 PM, at about 3 o’clock almost every morning, he wakes up. Not just a regular night-time rousing to nurse for a minute or two and drift back off – he wakes up and wants to play. This can last for anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours before he’s ready to go back to sleep. As a result, none of us – not me, or him, or his father – are getting enough sleep at night. And it’s telling the next day – my son is cranky and irritable all morning if the wakeful period lasted more than an hour the previous night. Has this ever happened to you? How did you solve it?
Do you keep lights out? stay in bed? Give a clear message that it’s still “night night time”? I find that it helps to maintain that nobody is getting up to play…that everyone else is sleeping…even if you have to fake it!
They will get the message that no one is getting up to play.
I am really torn about weaning my 12 month old off night nursing. I am a mom in my late thirties and absolutely love co-sleeping and nursing my son. I treasure the closeness and companionship nursing brings us – day and night – HOWEVER – my biological clock is ticking as i waited later to have kids and we want multiple children and are ready to start trying for #2. I have not ovulated or had a period yet and we have been trying for 3 months to get pregnant again (got pregnant on first try with son) to no avail – I don’t want to stop nursing, but I think my son’s frequent night nursing (at least every two hours all night) is holding things up in that department. Does anyone have any advice on how I can continue nursing but begin ovulating again?
Hi. I have a question. My boy is 16 months and sleeps in his own crib, but I bring him to our bed to nurse. Where should I start, with this method in that case? Or do you not recommend it unless we co sleep?
You can ovulate while nursing, but your system may require less nursings to ovulate/conceive. Everyone’s system is so individual that it’s impossible to say exactly what your system requires. That answer is only something that could be found through your own trial and error. It’s a tough place that you are in! You are the only one that can say what is the right thing for you to be doing. It sounds to me like you are not ready to consider weaning your 12 month old, but you may be ready to consider night weaning or spacing out nursings a little further during the day to see if this makes a difference in your cycle. My gentle encouragement would be that I understand your heart’s desire for more children, but would proceed carefully and thoughtfully (which you are!) when you are considering a decision that involves the child you have in your arms and the ones you dream of having. You have to be at such peace with your decision to cut back nursings that if this baby weaned from the process…that would be okay with you as look back. If you are, then you know your answer. If you’re not, look at it carefully again in a month or two and see if the answers come up the same.
I hope that helps and I commend you for the careful thought you are putting into the nursing and parenting relationship you have with your child.
You may find that he naturally spaces those nursings at night a little farther and farther apart, and that night weaning isn’t something that you have to encourage but something that happens on its own. It sounds like you have already found a nice balance between the two that is working for you. The idea of the method can work with children that do some of their sleeping in their own space. Tailor it to fit your own needs in a way that will communicate to him that at night time everyone in the family is sleeping and so should he. Some toddlers just take longer to learn to sleep a majority of the night than others. If you’re not happy with the current night time pattern that’s enough reason to find a plan to teach him a new way so that you can get to the place where you’re both happy with the nursing relationship.
I have a 14 month old daughter who wakes really frequently at night. We co-sleep and I breastfeed and she has always woken up 4 to 10 times a night.
My question is in reference to the laying down awake part of the sleep plan. I don’t usually get out of bed to nurse her back to sleep so I’m wondering if I am hugging her and patting her to sleep in bed, I obviously wont be “putting her down awake” so she can learn to fall asleep. Is this a problem?
Also, can I involve her Papa in this process?
Someone posted this article to me because I’m having problems at night and asked on a forum for advice. She’s 15 months old feeds before bed then goes into her own bed, feeds at 1/2am and will go back if I put her back (if I don’t fall asleep) if she stays with me she will nurse with full acrobatics until morning, often lying on my face or with her back against my chest. My partner has taken to the sofa as he’s getting kicked around. If I put her back she wakes about 3/4am and will not go back down with the above happening. I am covered in love bites because she aggressively (think puppy and bone) searches out the breast if she lets go. It gets worse when her sister gets in and wants to touch me whilst she sucks her thumb (or searches out the breast too if she feels I neglected her the previous night!)
So this article is looking good! My only worry is that she was born at 35 weeks with IUGR weighing 4lb 8oz and is now only 15lb 3oz, she’s in proportion so not skinny and she wears size 3-6 month clothes. Is it OK to put her through this? Does her tiny size mean she needs the feeds or is her age more important?
I love your sleep solution. I use it on our 17 month old who does share a family bed with us. The program has been working for us, however, I did run into a problem. Our daughter has been waking up at 4 a.m. for the last 3 nights and staying up until 6 a.m. She tries to nurse but I will not let her until it is 6 a.m. At 6 a.m., I will nurse her. (Our value hours are 11p.m. – 6 a.m. and we are at day 13.) My question – Are we really teaching her to soothe herself to sleep or is she learning that if you wait long enough the milk will come?
Hi, my nine month old is waking alot during the night. (She can wake every hour, 2 hours) It can vary from 4 to 8 times between 11pm and 7am. The thing is, she doesn’t have consistant times of waking right now, and when she wakes up and feeds, she won’t necessarily always go back to sleep but will cry. I’ll give her one breast, (she used to fall back asleep and everyone was happy) buy now after the first, she’ll stir and grunt and try to get up, and when I finally realize (I’m very slow when sleepy) that she may still be hungry or simply no longer sleepy, I’ll switch her to the other breast. The thing is, unless she falls asleep right away, I don’t fall back asleep until she does, so my sleep is very disturbed. I find myself very tired, and aching terribly for the last several months. I was thinking of sleep training this week cuz hubby is on vacation and can help. I don’t mind feeding her at least once or twice or three times between 7pm and 7am (including the 7am feeding) but I can’t handle not sleeping anymore. I look and feel like a zombie. I want to be in good health for my daughter.
QUESTION: Would you encourage me to try this system, or wait another couple months? And, when you say for the last three days to pick up child, hug and put back down: does that mean put her in her crib? cuz if i just stay in bed, she’ll not only keep crying or grunting, say, but will climb all over me like she does now…what do I do then?
HELP!!!
Ok thank you.
The problem was that he wakes so frequently I’m constantly walking back and forth from our room to his. I’m like a walking zombie.
We started kind of our own version of this method. For the last 3 nights, when he woke up, I nursed him on the one side but not the other, and then rocked with him and layed him back down. He barely put up a fuss. So tonight we’re going to start the next step of just cuddling and rocking, and laying him back down. I’m nervous but optimistic. He’s alredy been waking fewer times
My first question would have been, how much is he napping? If he is having massive naps to make up for nighttime sleep loss my instinct is to say make sure you wake him up so he gets maybe three hours total napping per day. I’ll bet he’ll start sleeping better at night.
This article addresses my present situation exactly. I have a 14-month-old and I am ready to ovulate as well as get better sleeps, but not ready to give up co-sleeping. My question pertains to daytime naps. I am now able to put him down for a nap after having fed him in the living room. I lie with him, pat, etc. and he goes to sleep. However, he wakes up 40 minutes later, not well rested. I have always rushed in and put him on the breast to get him right back to sleep, and it works, but I’m afraid he’ll get mixed messages if I do the above programme at night. I’m afraid if I don’t he won’t go back to sleep; after all, it *is* daytime and the temptation to get up is stronger than at night. What do you suggest?
I have a question regarding changing the sleep pattern in the family bed. We have a five year old (who sleeps wonderfully at this time) and a soon to be 20 month old. Our 20 month old daughter cosleeps with us since birth. She also has nursed every 2 to 3 hours since then. Needless to say, we are exhausted, I am super exhausted. I’m finding it difficult to function in the day and keep up with the kids. I am ready to wean her at night, and frankly all together.
My husband and I have been following Dr. Jay’s advice on changing the sleep pattern. We just finished our 5th night and appears to not be working…I haven’t nursed her form 10:30-5:30 for the past two nights and between the hours of 1:30 and 3 have been the most difficult. She cries and throws a tantrum. She doesn’t want to be held, or rubbed. Is this normal? Also, when is the going back to sleep going to kick in? I am really exhausted after not sleeping at all. And, I really don’t like it when babies cry, but I need sleep. We all do to function better as a family unit.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. We are going on our 6 night tonight and I’m getting a little weary whether this is working. I was told by two pediatricians to leave town for 5 days to wean. This intuitively does not feel right, however, I see no other option to get rest.
Thank you!
My daughter is 22 months. I’m not too concerned with the middle of the night nursing, she only wakes once, maybe twice and 95% of the time it’s not an issue at all. The other times there’s an outside factor and it would be an issue anyway. My problem is getting her to sleep in the first place. We’ve tried so many times to get her on a set bedtime, but you can’t force a kid to go to sleep at a certain time. She goes down anywhere between 8:30 and midnight. This is just not working anymore.
To add to that, nursing is the only way she’ll get to sleep, but nursing isn’t putting her to sleep anymore! It’s taking 2-3 hours of on and off the breast to get her to sleep at night! It’s taking almost 2 hours for nap. We instituted “lap or crib” a while back, where if she wants to stop nursing she can’t play, she has to go into the crib usually with a book. This worked at first, but not anymore, now it’s just a fun play space.
We co-sleep at night. For nap, sometimes she goes into her crib, sometimes our bed. We’ve been wondering if moving her to the crib at night is what will be needed to get her to sleep without nursing. I want to keep nursing her, I just don’t want it to be what puts her to sleep. She will sometimes fall asleep on car rides. So that is what we’ve been doing the past week because I’ve been hitting points of “ENOUGH!”. But they often have to drive for a long time and I think that’s more of a band aid than a fix, because she’s still not getting to sleep on her own, the car is lulling her there from boredom and exhaustion.
I’m okay with moving her to the crib for the first part of the night and bringing her back to bed if/when she wakes the first time. Actually, I’m kind of leaning toward favoring that plan, but only if there’s a way to make it work. If staying in bed is best for now, that’s what we’ll do. We just want to get my daughter to be able to fall asleep without being ‘on tap’ and we want a more set bedtime.
Any help for our situation would be greatly appreciated. (sorry so long!)
At 22 months she may be ready to let go of that daytime nap and you may see better sleeping at night without it. Particularly if you’re eliminating a two hour battle during the day along with it. I would suggest trying this for a couple of days and see what effect it has on night time sleeping. It doesn’t really matter whether you want to establish this in your bed or with a crib…either way can work and it’s really a choice you make according to the child and what you think they are ready for and would potentially improve their night time sleeping.
I know that it’s hard to hear a baby that isn’t happy in the middle of the night. All parties involved are tired! Remember that if you choose to continue with cosleeping, you ARE offering all kinds of comfort…nursing just isn’t one of them while it’s time to sleep at night. She is also at an age when even if she’s fallen asleep while nursing up to now, she may begin to unlatch before she is asleep because she KNOWS it will put her to sleep. You might want to try a bed time routine that includes nursing but doesn’t wait out nursing until she falls asleep. It will help her get ready to go to sleep to know that there is always putting jammies on, brushing teeth, reading a book, nursing then going to sleep. You can add whatever else you want to the night time line up…a special song, kissing certain toys good night…whatever works for this child. The important thing is that they adjust to the progression of events that they know is leading to being time to sleep.
Hope this helps.
I can’t agree with the pediatricians that suggested leaving town for five days to wean. I think being respectful of the nursing relationship for both of you is more honoring of the trust you have built. I also don’t think weaning suddenly is a good plan. Night weaning, or, stretching out sleeping, is a good place to start. I would definitely suggest concentrating on night weaning first and then reassess how you feel about the day time nursing that is left. A few thoughts…she may not be ready to go a 7 hr stretch. Some babies need to build that longer stretch slower than that and start with 4 or 5 first. See if an adjustment to that time stretch will help you get it started. Are you keeping lights out during the your night time hours? Use talking about it during the day to prepare her for night time…they understand so much more than they can speak. By talking about it during the day you are helping her hear the words that you will use at night to encourage sleeping. For my youngest “It’s night night time.” and a gentle “shh..shh..shh” shushing pattern was what she grabbed onto as her signals that it was time to lie her head down and go back to sleep.
Lastly, it may take some time with her. However, if you’ve spent two weeks working with certain parameters and it isn’t working, change it up.
Hope that helps.
Your understanding of your child is the most important assessment tool you have on whether he can separate night time sleeping and day time naps. Some kids can and others don’t so well. It could also be that a short nap may be enough for him and he just wakes up a little cranky in the process of waking back up to the rest of the day still going on. Some babies just don’t make the transition easily to waking up from an afternoon nap.
Hope that helps.
Some moms have found that putting a mattress on the floor of the room where the child’s crib/bed is helped them make the transition to their own bed. Another way is to put your mattress on the floor and put a small mattress right next to it for baby. Some just need the space to extend more gradually to accept it.
5 hrs is a good stretch to start with. I would concentrate on being able to keep that 5 hr stretch and see it slowly increase. It’s possible that she might just increase it on her own with little encouragement.
Love that this method allows ap families to find a way to get babies to sleep all night without crying it out on their own. Great article.
I am going back to work and have decided that (after a few weeks to adjust, of course) it’s time to nightwean my daughter. She will be 13 months old by then and is a big, healthy girl who eats voraciously and has slept through the night with no encouragement on many, many occasions. I don’t do well on fragmented sleep and I can’t sleep well while she nurses so to be effective at work AND at home, I’ll need more rest when I’m back on the job. Her night nursing sessions are very short with little swallowing and I know in my heart of hearts that she isn’t waking from lack of food, it’s for comfort. Her need for comfort is a perfectly valid one, and that’s why her Daddy is going to be on night duty during the process.
She has never nursed to sleep but she does have a feeding as part of her routine before she goes to bed at about 8:00, I’ll be heading to bed at about 10:00. Should I offer her a feeding before I retire for the night, or is that too soon after her before-bed feeding to be a help?
The real key in this doesn’t even have to do with you going back to work. They just happen to coincide. If she is already sometimes sleeping through the night on her own, and when she does waken her nursing is very short, then she essentially almost completed the night weaning process on her own. If she is sleeping heavily at 10p and wouldn’t waken for a good nursing and return to sleep, then you already have your answer. The answer really lies in what you would expect at 10p. You may want to try a couple of nights that way and see what she tells you about the process and what will work best. You also may find that pushing her bedtime back to 8:30 may make a big difference for the two of you. Just do a little experimenting until you find what works the best for you in this situation.
I would encourage you to consider waking an hour earlier than you would expect to for getting ready for work so that you can have a good relaxed nursing as soon as you wake without feeling rushed to get ready for work. You could also keep aside 15 minutes of that and get an extra nursing in right before you leave. Making the time that you do have together include as many nursings as possible will go a long way in helping to maintain your supply. Nursing in the second year is so vital to the support of major brain growth. Nothing supports that continued brain growth like breastmilk does.
You can make this transition together!
Hope that helps.
Nursing at 15 months is important regardless of the size of the toddler so I wouldn’t suggest making a decision based on her size. If her wettings are good, her developmental milestones are on track and she is growing well, then spacing out nursings at night are based on her behavior and if she is ready to do it. She has shown you that she can sleep a long stretch without needing to nurse. What she has also shown you is that she is a child that sleeps better in her own space. Some children thrash around a lot while sleeping and they sleep better with more space to sleep in. Whether you put her back in her own space or make more space for her in your room (add a side mattress or mattress on the floor at night), it sounds like adding more space to sleep in will help you achieve better sleeping at night for everyone.
Yes you can teach her how to lie back down while in bed with you and pat back to sleep. They can nurse to sleep initially but be taught to go back to sleep without nursing during the night hours. The way that you may want to involve her Papa is in the beginning of the process it may help you to go sleep in another space temporarily while she gets accustomed to being patted and soothed back to sleep in ways other than nursing. When that is established for at least a few hour period, you can return to your bed and let her Papa continue to soothe at night. She will progress to where she lets you soothe her as well. I would choose a couple of things that you teach her are to soothe her, that it’s time to go to sleep and that you are there. You could choose patting, shushing softly, holding her hand….whatever works for her. I have always found that it’s helpful to keep lights out or just have a small night light. That leaves you giving the message that it’s night time and sleeping time when the lights are out.
Adjust your system as you see is needed for your family and you will find a way to progress into better night sleeping while continuing to nurse and cosleep.
Hope that helps.
I’m sorry to have to respond with what you’re probably not wanting to hear, but I don’t ever recommend manipulating night time nursing with an infant under a year old. If her waking times are inconsistent then it is likely because of a growth spurt, and/or teething. They are growing so fast during this age that it’s hard to adjust their night time sleeping without affecting the growth they are supporting with nursing. It is so vitally important that nursings are allowed to adjust to the needs of the infant in that first year that I truly recommend waiting a couple more months before you take a look at it again. In the meantime, are you able to lie down with her during a nap? On your husband’s day off work can you grab a nap while he takes her out for a walk? Go to bed a little early or sleep late after a morning nursing? Find some ways to help get a little extra sleep for you over the next couple of months. Another thing to look at is expecting her to sleep from 7p to 7a. All babies won’t sleep a 12 hr stretch. In fact of my four, only one did. You may be expecting a longer stretch of sleep than is possible for her. 2 or 3 feedings in a 12 hr night is actually very good! Are you nursing at night in your bed or getting up to sit up while nursing? Nursing lying down continues to give the message that it’s night time and everyone should be sleeping.
Hope something helps.
I’ve had this site bookmarked for the last couple of months and I’m debating whether to go ahead and start the night-weaning process outlined above. The only reason I am considering it is because I have a 3 day/2 night business trip coming up in May and I feel that doing this might make it easier on my husband and 16 month old while I’m gone.
To be honest, I’d rather not night-wean just because I’ll be gone for 2 nights. Do you have any suggestions on how to make my absence easiest on them both? Can we avoid night-weaning and still have a healthy nursing relationship despite my temporary absence?
Thanks for your help!
How old is your baby? The older they are the easier it can be while you’re gone. You’ll want to pump before hand with a good double electric and leave breastmilk stored. While you’re gone you need pump as often as the baby would pump. Some babies will just go right back to nursing when you return after a short absence. Since she’s a toddler you have food items that you can have to distract.
My husband and I cosleep with our six month old son, who nurses once or twice throughout the night. We like this practice and things work out wonderfully as long as I am home to snuggle and nurse. The problem is that I now work two nights a week, 7pm to 7am. On those nights, my husband bottle feeds milk that I pump and does his best to comfort our son but ends up having to endure a lot of crying, usually several times a night. I know that consistency is very important and I’m wondering what the best course of action is. We have discussed the idea of transitioning him to sleeping in his own room and night weaning, but I don’t know that I am ready for that at this early of an age. Any suggestions/advice that you have for making those two nights a week easier for my fellas would be much appreciated! Thank you!
My son is 19 months and I’m ready to start night weaning. We have been bed sharing since he was born, and he wakes up every couple of hours to nurse for a few minutes before falling back to sleep. I have a question about Dr. Gordon’s plan, does it ever make sense to start eliminating nursing from the beginning (instead of first shortening the nursing sessions)? The reason I ask this is that my son falls back to sleep very quickly after nursing for a very short time. So breaking him off from nursing to put him down awake may frustrate him as much as not nursing at all. Also, my friend who bed shares started night weaning this way with success. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
We don’t turn on lights or get up – the most that happens is his dad will move to the guest room if he has to work early the next morning. I try not to engage in his playing (other than pulling him back from the edge of the bed) but if I attempt to cuddle him back down so that he’s not crawling all over the bed, he just starts to cry. Unfortunately – at least it seems unfortunate at 3 am! – he doesn’t actually need toys or any input to play. He is perfectly content to carry on a “conversation” with the wall, or blankets, or pillows, or my shoulder, or what-have-you, babbling happily away and patting me every so often. So whether I’m playing with him or not, he’s still up – and, in the interests of his safety, so am I!
I have a healthy 13 month old. She self-weaned from breastfeeding at 1 and is now drinking whole milk. I was not quite ready to wean but followed her lead. She hasn’t had a bottle in the night for quite some time, but has not been wanting to stay in her crib. She is teething too. We half allowed her to sleep in our bed when she wants to, but I definitely don’t sleep well because I am always worried about whether she is safe. She goes to sleep around 7:30 and wakes up almost every night at 9 pm. It is them another 30 min-1 hr to rock her back to sleep. Then, she wakes up as many times as I put her back in her crib until I bring her to our bed. She will scream, wiggle, sit up and stand if I put her in her crib semi-awake. If I stay and pat her back she just rolls and wiggles and does not want to be comforted. Also, I hold her until she falls asleep for naps and night time sleep. I am feeling like I have done her a disservice by doing this for so long, but I am not sure what to do. Any help and suggestions are much appreciated.
We are starting this with my 22 month old son…we have done 2 nights and he has only slept 3-4 hours each night because he just screams and sobs the whole night. Is this typical?? He is extremely attached to nursing and wants to nurse the ENTIRE night…After almost 2 years of at least 10 wakings a night, I’m at the end of my rope and need some sleep. I’m struggling with knowing if we should keep going or if this is too upsetting for him. I know I can’t sustain our night time nursing relationship anymore though so something has to give. Has anyone else been through this with a hysterical, thrashing about, sobbing toddler?? Most of my friends said their child just fussed a little and it wasn’t a big deal…definitely not our experience. Would love some encouragement and advice!
Some children are just stronger willed than others and having boundaries established FOR them can cause great frustration. Establishing a new night time pattern with him will not be easy, but there are some things that may help. He understands what you are saying waaaaaaay more than he can communicate back to you. Use that to your advantage and talk about what is going to happen at night time. Talk about it several times every day emphasizing the important things like that night time is for sleeping, that you will nurse when he goes to bed and nurse again in the morning, etc. Use your conversations to build confidence in him that you mean what you say and that he really WILL get to nurse when the sun comes up. As you begin to do this he will trust that you mean what you say. His reaction during the night is typical two year old reacting to his nursing have gone away FOREVER…which is where his little two year old mind takes him. Before you go to bed remind him again that he will nurse when the sun comes up. It will take a lot of work to communicate that dark time is sleeping time and day time is nursing time, but you will work on this together and get there!
What set up do you have for sleeping at night? A change in that may help. If he’s sleeping with you, a small mattress right next to your mattress may make a difference. Or establishing that if he thrashes about that he’ll need to lie in his own space so you aren’t kicked. There are boundaries there that can be established as well. He may be very angry about the changes, but remember that you are not forcing him to wean…you are offering new boundaries for nursing. You are not leaving him to cry…you are offering new ways of comfort at night. It is in a two year old’s nature to resist changes with everything they have, which is just what he is doing. It’s still reasonable for you to expect a two year old to learn that night time is for sleeping for EVERYone in the family and to find a way to make that happen. Put on your best acting skills and be excited to get up for that first nursing of the day regardless of how the night has transpired. Soon (probably not soon enough for you!) he will make the adjustment…probably in very small adjustments at a time. Give him great praise for the small steps and don’t let yourself forget that you are offering comfort, are there for him, and are helping him make a transition.
Hope that helps.
Someone just reminded me of this article and I am keen to try it but I have some concerns.
Our situation at the moment is, we have our 18 month old son sleeping with us and waking often during the night for feeds. This was fine but I’m now 2 months pregnant and I do not have an easy time with pregnancy. I get very tired and also very dizzy and need inordinate amounts of sleep! I also feel like I am developing antenatal depression with this pregnancy which is making coping with everything quite difficult. It also seems my milk has dried up somewhat but this seems to make my son even more determined to suckle more often and for longer. This has become exhausting for me and I really do not enjoy it as I used to. I would like to stop at least the night feeding, but my son is a demand feeder 20+ times a day/night and does not take well to being refused. I basically always give in because he gets so upset. Is there any reason why some children are so utterly devoted to the breast? Do you know if this plan works well with those types of children? I have friends who have night weaned and it seems to have worked well for them, they just needed to say “you can have breast milk after breakfast” and the child was happy enough with that, but I am sure my son will not put up with that at all!
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you so much for providing this advice and support. It is a wonderful thing for us mums.
Hello,
Thank you so much for this article and all the comments you have already provided !
We have night-weaned Sam, 15 months old, with daddy taking over the nigt-shift, and me sleeping on the couch-bed. However, everytime I go back into the family-bedroom, Sam starts waking again, I nurse him in the family bed, he bites, kicks and thrashes through the rest of the night and nobody sleeps – back to where we started.
You gave Caitlin the following advice :
“(…)When that is established for at least a few hour period, you can return to your bed and let her Papa continue to soothe at night. She will progress to where she lets you soothe her as well. I would choose a couple of things that you teach her are to soothe her, that it’s time to go to sleep and that you are there. You could choose patting, shushing softly, holding her hand….whatever works for her(…)”
My question is, what are the steps between our situation and “[He] will progress to where he lets you soothe [him] as well” ?
Sam is a very Intense child, shouts and hoots when happy, howls and screeches and headbutts when he doesn’t get what he wants (distraction works well at the mo, but God help us when he gets a little older…)
I have been looking for ways to help him fall asleep by himself since he was 7 months old – and I am still looking. I know I have to break the nursing-family bed association (I still nurse him to sleep in the family-bed for his daytime nap, Daddy being at work), but nothing works for us, him being such an intense, persistent and energetic toddler, and me being so sensitive.
Ultimately, Sam will go into his older brother’s room (3 yrs old, sleep was never an issue for him, he just loves his bed !). We’re just waiting for him to sleep better (he’s quite a light sleeper) and also we don’t want him to wake up his brother with his middle-of-the-night protests).
Do you have any extra-titbits of advice to ease the path to that holy grail of “progress” ?
Thank you !!
I recently was struggling with the same thing. However, my period surprised me this past week (DS is almost 12 months). I couldn’t figure it out at first b/c he is still nursing very frequently at night, but then I did realize that as we’ve introduced more solids he has been nursing less frequently during the day. We nurse at wake-up, before naps, before dinner and before bed (and then 2-4 (or more) times at night). Maybe something like that will spur your period back too…
Ok, I followed the advice regarding gaining more sleep at night (night weaning) and after 3 1/2 weeks, not working! I changed it up as you suggested, and still the same. Our daughter nurses 3 times per night and is almost 20 months old. Also,as a result of this “change” she is nursing more in the day than before! I am tired and frustrated and not sure what to do next…I know you suggested that leaving to wean is not best way, but change needs to happen and I’m not sure how to make that happen! Any suggestions are great appreciated!
My daughter is 10.5 months this week, and wakes about 6-10 times between the time I go to sleep at 11-1130, and when we wake up at about 8 am. She sleeps a solid stretch from 8 until I come to bed. She wakes up crying, and nurses for less than 30 seconds before falling asleep. She only has longer nursing sessions when I first come to bed around 1130, and in the early morning hours. I really don’t feel she ‘needs’ to eat every time she wakes up, but that it’s more about comfort. I just moved 3000 miles away from my home state, friends, and family, and my husband is gone (we are military.) I am completely on my own and just at the end of my rope with the sleeping thing. Even if she isn’t awake for a long time, being awakened for even a minute every hour is leading to me being in a half awake daze all night and feeling resentful, angry, impatient, and exhausted during the day. I have extreme difficulty napping in the daytime (it takes me about an hour to even fall asleep, and she is usually waking up from her nap by then), otherwise I’d just do that to make it through. Do I REALLY have to wait 7 more weeks until my daughter’s first birthday to start implementing this plan? I don’t want to cause any harm but am starting to feel like it might be better to try this now and save my sanity!
It’s not surprising that her need for you during the night has increased, because she is feeling the same stresses that you are. She has moved 3000 miles away from her friends and family as well, and feels your frustration with all the changes. I know how hard it is to be exhausted from interrupted sleep! As hard as it is I would first encourage you to move your own bedtime a little earlier until you are less exhausted. How are her nursings during the day? Is there any chance that she is not settling down for good nursings often enough during the day and is compensating by reverse cycling and nursing a lot during the night? Is she teething? A lot of babies are awakened often near the one year mark working on those first molars. It may not seem like it, but if she isn’t staying awake very long when she wakens then she HAS begun to learn to sleep better at night. It just can’t come soon enough for you I’m sure! Hang in there. You might also look at purposefully setting out a bedtime routine that includes some serious exercise to physically tire her. It’s tough to get a lot of extra activity in in the evening time when you’re so tired, but it really might help a lot to do some chasing outside or take a long walk before bath and a good nursing.
In how many hours of sleeping does she wake 3 times to nurse? Is she still napping during the day?
Some kids are just so intense and it takes them longer to make adjustments to their night time sleeping habits. You have come a LONG way by encouraging night weaning. He may just need a little bit more time to really solidify night time sleeping before he can handle you being next to him again. I know that it’s difficult to keep yourself from wondering how soon this will happen, but try to focus on the progress he has made. I think that cosleeping is wonderful and that each child will grow out of the need to cosleep when they are ready. I wouldn’t waste a moment of time worrying about exactly when this will happen. You’ll turn around and he’ll be past this stage and enjoying being with his brother at night, even though right now it can’t feel like soon enough to tired parents.
Hope that helps.
While it seems like this is all about nursing, it’s really more about the kind of passionate child that he is. I bet that he plays hard, is always on the run and is fiercely attached to you as well. Some kids are just born with this kind of personality. They turn to nursing because it is the ultimate comforter and meets all their needs of being close to mom, feeling her skin, smelling her, soothing with suckling and filling their incessantly empty tummy. This is toddler behavior that you’re seeing. I would recommend first dealing with making some boundaries during the day. He will undoubtedly resist it, but begin with small steps to teach him that while it may make him mad he will not perish while 5 minutes to nurse. Simple things may help more than you can imagine. It’s time to teach him to have some “nursing manners” that are needed for BOTH of you to be happy with nursing. How does he ask to nurse? Begin to teach him to ask nicely “nurse please” and not to reward a temper tantrum with nursing. Even if he is upset while you’re modeling saying “nurse please” go ahead with it and do it EVERY time. Once he’s latched and calmed down go ahead and repeat to him with soft words “nurse please” just to remind him each time that you are forming a new habit to nurse. Once he seems to be beginning to understand that and communicates that he wants to nurse you can begin teaching him to wait for a few moments. The response when he asks to “nurse please” isn’t no, but it can be “Ok. Let’s nurse as soon as I get a drink a water.” You may need to talk him through walking to the kitchen to get a drink of water, and he might be throwing a full blown toddler tantrum during it, but he will begin to see that “yes” to nursing can wait just a couple of minutes. The next step would be to add one more simple step to it like going to the restroom and then walking to the kitchen to get a drink. As you are adding some things that take a bit more time you can be as creative as he needs. You are using the distraction method, but you are also teaching him that you mean what you say and will go through the steps that you say you will. There are some kids that are cued to want to nurse according to where the mom is sitting, too. If you tend to always nurse in the same chair, or with a boppy pillow, or anything that is very consistent, you may not be able to sit in that location unless you want to be nursing!
As an encouragement, this same passion and single minded devotion that is difficult to handle in this situation currrently will be something that you will want to see in his character as he grows up. It’s not particularly attractive in a toddler wanting his own way, but it’s very attractive in a 1st grader’s devotion to learning to read. It’s a great character trait overall even if it carries a powerful punch in a 1 yr old!
As you’ve discovered, a lot of moms lose their supply while pregnant. Unfortunately, a lot of pregnant nursing moms find that they feel very touched out and don’t enjoy nursing in the early months of pregnancy. His natural biological reaction is to nurse more often to increase your supply, so he’s really only doing what he is compelled to do. It’s possible that he may decide to back off nursing with a lowered supply. Time will only tell you that.
Hope this helps.
You have not done her a disservice by rocking and comforting her when falling asleep. They grow up so quick! You won’t look back and wish you had spent less time rocking. How and when you want to make a transition to teaching her to sleep on her own is really up to you. She is only 13 months old. She’s still an infant. Don’t feel rushed in this process. Teething is also quite painful and it shouldn’t be something that we should expect an infant to be able to sleep through. Soon enough she will have all those first teeth cut through and be woken far less often from teething pain. She may very naturally progress to sleeping better at night on her own. Some babies need some encouragement to settle and sleep at night, but many progress to it on their own.
Since you were giving her a bottle during the night it really wasn’t self-weaning, but encouraged weaning. It is great that you nursed to a year and has significantly positively affected her health and development in remarkable ways.
I would just like to say that it is amazing that there is someone who is willing to answer our questions!!! And to see that their are people out there that co-sleep and nurse for long periods of time. None of my friends nursed for long because they went back to work or simply b/c they couldn’t nurse… let alone co-sleep and when I try to discuss my issues ( we r very close and all have babies) i walk away feeling foolish. I tell them i love to nurse and co-sleep and its a decision me and my husband choose to make b/c we love it!! And I absolutely do!!What I haven’t told them is I feel like a human pacifier! lol. I feel like I started a cycle I can’t seem to stop. My baby girl will not take breast milk in a bottle, a pacifier ,or anything but me to soothe herself to sleep. In the beginning I would fall asleep w/ her still latched, out of utter exhaustion ( i have my 5 and 7 year old kiddos and my husband is fireman working for 2 different depts ,so he is gone for sometimes a wk at a time…coming home exhausted) ( he works hard b/c he wants me to be home with our children
) So, I would simply sleep while nursing. I tried using breast milk in a bottle … it caused problems w/ latching,so i stopped.. i tried using pacifiers ( an assortment) she wouldn’t have any of it. 
The problem was that no matter day or night when I tried to unlatch her she would wake up. When I nursed she would fall right back to sleep. So I just waited,sometimes it was 1/2 hr, sometimes the whole nap. I would have to let her wake up to take care of my other 2 kids etc etc. But we were all still happy. But now I’m worried that this behavior will cause harm to her teeth. And I’m not sure how to stop it. I use a baby tooth brush.. but it still worries me. She turned 1 on April 14th YAY! And so far her teeth are pearly white. But… Also,I really would love to have some time for my husband and I.:) I have never been away from her except to take a long lovelyyyy bath, bc of our nursing habits. And we would like to go on a wknd trip w/ the 3 couples that also have babies ( they don’t nurse) and it is to be an adult only event. This is in 3 months. I feel like that it could actually work. I started 3 nights ago with the patting and coooing her to sleep w/out nursing. She goes to sleep this way w/ a few tears but amazingly easy. But when she wakes up she won’t go back to sleep w/out nursing. So,I decided to get up and look online and I found your article! AMAZING!! I am now going to follow your step by step plan and see how it goes. I won’t force it ,but I feel like if all goes well it will be wonderful for us! Do you have any suggestions for my “pacifier predicament” for the daytime? And any ideas for weaning in the next 3 months? She eats great, takes her sippy cup,except to go to sleep. I feel like we are ready and any suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated!
At 19 mo. with very short nursings at night he has really gone a long way toward weaning at night on his own. Your instinct is absolutely your best guide on how to proceed. If you feel that trying to put him down awake would frustrate him then I’m sure you’re right on that score. Whatever way you think will gently help him make the transition to not nursing at night I would go with your idea of the best option. I would encourage you to talk about what you’re going to be doing during the daytime hours. He will understand so much better if he’s heard you talking about it with him and is adding that into his thinking of what night time will be like.
Does he stay in bed to offer the expressed breastmilk? Being in the same location as you nurse him may be making this more difficult. It might end up being easier to use a sippy cup than a bottle because it is less like nursing. Worth an experiment anyway. Encourage your husband to remember that your baby is just expressing his frustration with you being gone and being vocal about it. He is there with him and offering him comfort.
I would not suggest night weaning for a six month old. It sounds like you are doing a great job with your baby and enjoying cosleeping and nursing at night. I wouldn’t sacrifice 5 days of what is working wonderfully for your family for the 2 days you need to be at work. Give him a little bit more time to make the adjustment and learn how to let Dad comfort him at night.
Cheryl, thank you so much for your response! It was a VERY difficult 5-6 nights for all of us, but he eventually got it and is hardly fussing at all now! I’m still a little sad that we had to go through all of that struggle, but I think you are right that it’s just so much of his developmental stage right now. He still cries sometimes because he wants to nurse, but it’s only for a few minutes. Right now we are going all night until 4 am and then I offer to nurse him. Eventually, I’d like to push it back later but we’ll stick with this for now. Thanks for all your support!
Wonderful news! With a little time you may be surprised that he gradually begins to increase that one long stretch of sleep gradually on his own. Let me know and I’ll celebrate 4:30a with you.
Hi Cheryl,
thank you so much for your encouraging words. I can see we already have come a long way, and that is wonderful indeed. You are so right, we get impatient sometimes and forget about the progress we made ! Staying focused on the positive aspects helps us stay more relaxed and can really make a big difference in the frustration and the resentment we sometimes feel !
Thanks again,
N.
WOW! I love this article and it has saved my life! I am a single parent who has been cosleeping and feeding up to 4 times a night until a week ago. My bub turns one tomorrow – so i know i did it a little early but being on my own and waking up so much at night (I have to work and go to uni during the day) was really taking its toll!!
I didnt know how I was going to fix it though as I do not like the controlled crying tech. Your advice has been great and while those second 3-6 nights where HELL – my bub was stubborn and just screamed at me for not feeding him, then he would settle and he would be awake 20min later.
It has now been 12 days since I started and Aston is sleeping in his cot from 7:30pm to 6:30am. I’m still stuffed as i haven’t caught up yet but I think life is going to be very different for the both of us once we get into the groove of actually sleeping all night.
THANKS!
Hi,
I’m so glad to have found this site as I have mad the decision that something must change with my baby’s night time routine. I do have a coupl of questions though before I start.. She is almost 13 months and feeds to sleep for day naps and night time sleep. To be honest, I don’t mind so much nursing her back to sleep during the night times after 11pm, as she’s generally asleep within seconds of going back on the breast. She probabaly only takes in a proper feed at 4am- all of the other nursings are for comfort.
My problem is that when I put her down at night (somewhere between 6.30-7.30pm), she will not stay down asleep for longer than a sleep cycle. That is, I am able to de-latch and creep out of the room however when she wakes and I’m not there she screams until she is on the breast again. I don’t mind doing this during the night (as I’m lying there anyway), however I need to be able to go out in the evening as I have another child, a husband and friends -all oglf whim have nit seen me after 6pm for the past year! I have tried putting her to sleep whilst de-latched but it has never worked. She always cries and gets so worked up that in the end I’m grateful she’s able to be nursed out if her hyper state and into sleep! So nursing to sleep when she first goes down seems to be the ticket. We’ve also tried to have hubby comfort her when she wakes after he sleep cycles between 7pm-11pm. This hasn’t worked as she gets very worked up, cries and seeks me out.
So my question is – is there a technique I could use for the first part of the night only- ie 7pm-11pm? as I say, the day time boob dummy doesn’t worry me too much , nor does the 11pm-6am boob dummy. It’s just those first few hours that I NEED to be able to get up . I’d love your advice
thank you,
Jane
While it may not seem it to, who is living in the middle of this, she has huge progress on her own to night wean. If she is down to just a moments of nursing before going back to sleep she is almost there. Also, going down at 6:30 – 7:30 and not really nursing well until 4:00a is a very long “night”. This may not be an issue so much of night weaning as it is an issue of cosleeping. It’s hard to make progress with one when it’s attached to another. Is there a possibility that you move her bedtime a little bit later so as to make getting together with friends with your children in the earlier evening something that is a possibility? While it may not be exactly what you’re wanting to do, it might move closer to where you’d like to be. Something else you might consider is taking a look at the night time routine in another way….if you can move the bedtime just a little bit later and your husband take an exclusive hour of baby time outside of the house away from you….on a walk….out in the yard….swinging…whatever will really keep her attention right before she nurses to go to sleep, or takes a bath (if she loves her bath!). Having a little break before the last nursing may help how you feel about the whole situation. You could spend that time with your other child alone reading or whatever you’d love to be doing together, or taking a nice bath, or anything that really refuels you and helps you feel better about the situation.
Does she sleep in your bed that you share the rest of the night for the beginning portion of the night?
I couldn’t have imagined parenting without nursing my children to sleep. You do not have to stop cosleeping in order for them to night wean. It can be tricky, but definitely possible to accomplish. Hang in there as you help her complete her process.
Hi Cheryl
thank you for your prompt reply. Yes she sleeps in our bed from 7-ish right through. Do you have any suggestions as to how I may stop her from waking for a comfort nurse every sleep cycle between 7pm -10/11pm – this is the period that I need to be able to leave the bed (and house!) and know she’s not going to scream the house down when her father tries to re-settle her. Everyone I know bottle feeds and their babies go down for the count at 7pm and they may do what they wish.. I’d just like for this once a week at least.. Plus our chances of conceiving another child are zero with her attached to my breast in those first few hours of the night (noone mentions that!) Look forward to your thoughts
How is this detailed? My baby won’t accept cuddling. When the breast is taken, he wont stop crying. So basically this is CIO. I am just right next to him for it.
CIO is leaving a baby in a bed of their own, in a room of their own, walking out and force teaching them to go to sleep without anyone offering any comfort to make this transition. You are trying to offer comforting. Patting on the hand…snuggling….holding hands….whatever little trick you can teach your baby is your comforting to him.
Hello there
My husband and I have a 14 month old son, Harrison who is a terrible sleeper and has been since he cut his first tooth at 6 months. He is formula fed and I would love some advice about his bedtime/during the night feeding. We put him in his own cot at approx 8-8.30pm after cereal and a bottle. Once we have gone to bed, if he’s disturbed he comes straight in with us. We love the family bed and that is not an issue for us but usually about 2am he wakes and is really disturbed for anything up to an hour. Now my question is, would you reccommend giving him a so called ‘dream feed’ at about 11pm to hopefully then get the golden 7 hours sleep? As I said, he doesn’t usually wake up wanting a feed until about 2 am, which is not ideal.
I am so glad I found this website. With all the ‘you mustn’t do this’ and ‘you’re not STILL doing that are you?!’ lectures you get from people, its so easy to become unconfident and paranoid.
Thank you
Ok, need some help! I initially came to your website because it is the most AP friendly night weaning advice I have ever heard. But when I read your line ” Babies do better when we answer all their questions as best we can and meet their needs as best we can.”…my mommy guilt set in and I felt awful for even thinking of it.
I have an 18 little man who has an all access pass to the breast since birth morning, noon, and night. However, on bad nights (3 out of 7 days a week) he is waking nearly every hour and half to nurse and sometimes staying awake for another hour or two or three. The next day is just awful. I feel resentful of him, I’m a cranky short tempered mommy to both kids, and want to do nothing all day but sleep. He’s also cranky of course because he got only 7-8 hours of broken sleep, and I only get 3-4 hours of broken sleep. I love my little guy, but this is killing me. I have lost nearly 50% of my IQ points I believe, and speaking coherent thoughts to another adult is laborious. I NEED to sleep, but I have such horrible guilt about night weaning and taking away something he obviously needs and wants, that I feel that I can’t do it. The few times that I just couldn’t roll over and nurse him for the twentieth time in an hour, he screamed bloody murder and ended up waking my husband and daughter who co sleep in the room next to me. So NO ONE got sleep those couple nights and EVERYONE was in a bad mood the next day.
I am not able to fall asleep while nursing him either, believe I have tried everything, but I just can’t. That would help if I could though for sure.
Alright I’ll take ANY advice you can give me. I just want to be a better parent and a happier and more alert person.
Hi Cheryl, To answer your question “Does she sleep in your bed that you share the rest of the night for the beginning portion of the night?” – Yes, she is in the same bed being our bed. I just need to find a way to keep her asleep after i put her down without her waking every 40 mins until she gets the breast
Thanks
I just found your site. I know Dr. J recommends waiting to a year, but my daughter is going to be 9 months, and her night wakings are affecting every aspect of my life, including my relationship, my health, work and financial well-being. I have slept with her for 9 months and nursed on demand, and it is taking a huge toll on my health and well-being. If it weren’t for this, I’d continue to night nurse on demand. But she is eating at least one solid meal a day (sometimes more, but it is a slow process introducing her to foods). And I nurse her *very* often throughout the day. She used to nurse only at 11 and 7 am but has – in the past two months – picked up many many feedings (every 2 hours at night). Also, she may be dealing with a bit of reflux, so I do believe the nightweaning will benefit her. (She wakes a lot at night with gas as I don’t burp her after nursing, since it usually wakes her and then she’ll be awake for a full 90 mins no matter what I do).
From what you have posted it seems that the sleep itself isn’t the issue. When did you begin giving her solids? Did her reflux increase not long after that? What solids is she eating? Does she have any other symptoms like say nasal congestion or drainage, eczema? Since she was sleeping an 8 hr stretch and then started waking often, has gas and has reflux, I would suggest that you consider that she has food allergies. Reflux can be very painful and it isn’t surprising that it is waking her up repeatedly at night. I would recommend that you consider an allergy elimination diet to find the cause of the reflux.
There are times when the very best that we can do for a toddler is to help them learn to sleep better at night when they are not making that transition well on their own. What you know to be the very best thing for him may not be exactly what his choice would have been. That’s okay. It’s alright to make adjustments to what you have been doing. It may not be an easy transition, but throughout the process you are offering comfort, you are there for him, and you are teaching him that at night time everyone needs sleep including him. Changing the pattern of sleep may not be something that you accomplish without a few really rough nights. You may need to consider sleeping in another location while the two of you get the new pattern established and then rejoining the family bed. It may be that your husband may have better success at establishing a new pattern. That decision is only one that your family can make. I know it is difficult to teach a strong minded child that night time is for sleeping, but you will accomplish it. And that strong personality is one that over the years you will be very glad he has. Maybe just not right now in the middle of the night!
Hope this helps.
Have you considered putting her to sleep for daytime naps and the first part of the evening in another location than the one you share for the night? It can be a crib mattress on the floor by your bed, or any location that is safe for sleeping that isn’t your family bed minus the family. This works well for some toddlers. Then they also have established small portions of time when they are sleeping in another location and when they are ready they extend that time and it becomes a smooth transition at whatever time is best for them.
Help! My 15 month old daughter still wakes several times a night to nurse. We tried this method last night and she woke up at 3:36 am, she was not to happy when she realized she wouldn’t be nursing back to sleep. She cried, kicked, scratched and screamed. About an hour in she fell asleep twice for less then 10 minutes each time while I was rocking her. Since then she’s been up and it’s now 5:36 and we’re all up. If I’m around she wants nothing to do with my husband for soothing. Should I try sleeping in the other room and letting him handle it tomorrow night? She sleeps for him without nursing when I’m at work. I hate having to wean her but we’d love to have another child and I’m still not ovulating and it would be great to get a full nights sleep!
In some situations it is much more successful for Dad to step in and get the new night time pattern established initially.
My first recommendation would be to consider the placement in his day of physical activity. A lot of children sleep much better at night if they spend some evening time with heavy gross motor skill play outside…walking, running, throwing balls, climbing on large play equipment…things that really help them unwind from a day. Putting bath and dinner/snack after this before bed and then calming down into a reading/snuggling time before heading into sleep can also help a lot. They can love the routine of high energy winding down to calm and take comfort in the consistency of a routine.
I’m not sure what you are meaning by a “dream feed”? Ideally toddlers should go to bed having had a good meal and nursing for the end of their day, but I don’t believe that all waking issues can be solved by what the child is eating and how much. It can be a portion of the picture and you are right to take a look at it, but it’s certainly not the only focus. It is possible that he could be reacting to something that he is eating. Has he always been formula fed? Are there any other changes in his diet? Any other symptoms or behaviors that might make you consider a food reaction? Any reflux, nasal congestion, eczema? Food reactions can affect sleeping in a lot of ways so it’s good to examine and see if anything rings a bell that might need a closer look.
From what you have said he is sleeping 5.5-6 hrs in the first stretch, and while this doesn’t seem long enough to you at 2a, it really is quite normal for there to be a wakening anytime after 5 hrs in a row. Some things to think about…Are you working on teaching him that night time is for sleeping? Keeping lights outs? Continue to pretend to be sleeping? Telling him it’s night night time? Offering other comforts to help him soothe back to sleep? When you say he is “disturbed for up to an hour” are you working that entire time to get him to settle back down?
I know it’s difficult to be woken in the middle of the night. Some children just take a little longer than others to learn to soothe back to sleep when they wake at night.
Hope that helps.
First…breastmilk is anticariogenic. I have a collection of information regarding it here: http://65.61.36.192/alezav16/default2.asp?tree=619
You have two separate issues going on really…the “pacifier predicament” is really a separate issue from the sleeping issues. I would recommend deciding first which is more crucial for you to fix first, because it would likely be overwhelming for her to try to make major changes in both areas at the same time. Regarding the daytime nursing habits I think that sometimes it’s tricky to make the transition from meeting all the nursing needs of an infant to teaching some nursing manners that need to go along with a toddler to keep the nursing relationship an enjoyable one for both parties. Now that she’s over a year old it would be a good idea to begin establishing some boundaries to nursing. You can teach her to ask nicely to nurse by using a handsign for nursing or if she is very verbal begin to teach her “nurse please”. Every time you nurse use the phrase several times and she’ll quickly learn it herself. It’s also ok for you to begin to teach her that she can wait a minute to nurse. Use a positive response to do it and you’ll make better progress. Even if what she learns first is that she doesn’t have to be nursing incessantly but can wait a few minutes it will be progress. Begin with a small space of time right after a really good nursing and the next time she asks to nurse say “Ok…we can nurse right after I get a drink of water.” (insert anything from get the laundry out of the dryer “do you want to help me?” to “let’s go get the mail and then we’ll nurse) Then you follow through and reinforce it again….”Ok, I got a drink of water now let’s nurse.” It will only take a few days before she begins to get the idea and trust that you mean what you say. You can then add a second task to it. In this manner you can slowly increase the distraction and a little bit of reasonable space between nursings for a toddler who has gotten into the habit of nursing constantly just because that’s the pattern they’ve established.
The article on Changing the Sleep Pattern in the Family Bed outlines a way to make progress at night. I would definitely recommend doing one or the other, but not attempting both at the same time.
Hope that helps.
Hi again, and thank you so much for your reply! You are probably on the mark with the physical activity comment. He is a live wire and never sits still lol! I shall work on ensuring he has a good run about at about 6pm.
He has a bath at 7pm and I feel we have a fairly good bedtime routine and I always *TRY* to get some ceral into him right before bottle and bed but he isn’t a very good eater and never has been. I’ve always struggled to get food into him from the first day I brough him home and I fear herein lies the problem! When he wakes during the night I hate to refuse him, thinking he may not have had enough during the day (probably a vicious circle though!)
Unfortunately I had PND and couldn’t deal with breastfeeding him past a few days old. It is something I desperately regret now but its easy for me to say that now im not in that horrible place!
A “dream feed’ would be lifting him out of his cot at approx 10.30-11pm and not wholly waking him up, but rousing him enough to take a bottle then (hopefully) would settle straight back in his cot. I’m probably grasping at straws here but you know what it’s like when you’re desperate lol!
‘Disturbed for up to an hour’ would be, he’s woken and is WIDE awake, not crying, but playing to himself. Not the end of the world, I admit!
Actually I know he suffers really badly with teething and a massive one has just popped up and we didn’t have such a bad night last night, so after all it might be like this till all his teeth are through.
Thanks again for your brilliant advice x
It sounds like his waking is very teething influenced. And while it doesn’t make it any easier to have interrupted sleep, it does help to keep it in perspective when you know that it won’t last forever.
If he wakes in the middle of the night and will play by himself without crying I wouldn’t be concerned about him missing that portion of sleep. If he can’t settle again by himself, I would do whatever is the quickest way back to sleep for the whole family. The priority at night time is the least crying and most sleep for all parties involved. The only concern I would have with a middle of the night feeding for a bottle feeding baby is in leaving the formula on the teeth because of the sugars that are in it.
In terms of your concern for his intake how are his wettings? how is his growth and development? Look at all the factors that show you that he is on track and relax. Look at the output that proves the input and relax. Over emphasis on food and the problems that that can create can begin with an infant or toddler. Don’t set yourself up for food battles but find ways to reassure yourself that intake is fine and supporting growth and development. A good idea for a toddler is to put a small child’s table and chair in the kitchen or dining room on which you can leave little bits of healthy foods and a sippy cup of water. A plastic child’s plate with a 3 or 4 grapes cut in half, a couple of slices of steamed carrots, a couple of slices of banana…whatever healthy foods you would like to leave there for temptation. A busy toddler will breeze through periodically and take a couple of bites or a drink of water, and you can just as nonchalantly add pieces to the plate and say nothing about it. It’s possible that he’s more of a grazing eater than the type that eats a whole plate of food. Focusing on the intake over a whole 24 hr period, or sometimes with a toddler even the intake over 2 or 3 days, is a better plan.
Hope this helps.
My husband and I are having a problem with the baby’s wake up schedule interfering with my husband’s work schedule. Our son doesn’t wake until 7am (or later), but my husband really needs to get up before 6:30. This, of course, introduces an alarm clock which will inevitably awaken our son before he’s ready to wake up. On top of that I have to worry that he may wake up without me realizing it and crawl off the bed or I have to lay in bed waiting for him to wake up. What do you recommend for situations like this one?
I have an early morning routine question. My son just turned 2 last week. We night weaned 4 weeks ago, using Dr. Gordon’s method and it worked really well. There was one trying episode of tears and wailing that lasted 45 minutes the first night. Next waking was about 8 minutes. And then a few more wakings over the next few nights that were short, tear free, and easily settled. Now my son wakes only occasionally during the night and puts himself back to sleep. I told him he could have milk when it got light but it’s summer so it started getting light at 5:20-5:30. After a week of negotiating when it was actually morning, through tears and kicking of feet, I switched and set up a night light on a timer beside the bed. THAT is now the milk light. On = milk. Off = sleep. He understands the concept and we have had about 3 nights of sleeping closer to 6 am. But now we seem to be back to 5:15 wake ups. When I introduced the night light, I first set it for a few minutes after he usually woke so he wouldn’t have to wait long. Then had been moving it slowly forward with a goal of 6 am.
The only time he’s slept past 6 since night weaning was about 4 days ago. He had a bit of a traumatic event at 1:30 am so I nursed him back to sleep. Then he slept until 6:35. When he nursed at night his usual wake time was 6:30- 7. Waking at 5:15-5:30 he is so tired all morning and wants his midday nap as early as 9:30 am.
So I need help with what to do at 5:15. I have tried a couple times in the beginning of night weaning to nurse him right away but he will not go back to sleep. I have thought about rousing him for a nurse when I go to bed around 10ish but not sure that’s going to make a difference come 5:30.
Help?!
This seems like the method I’ve been looking for. A couple of questions before I try this. My daughter goes to sleep great and normally wakes up 3ish hours later wanting to nurse – at this point I bring her into bed with me and from there she wakes every 2-3 hours for the rest of the night. I am wanting stop feeding at night and would like for her to now sleep in her own bed for the entire night. Questions – when she wakes to feed she is not fully awake. How do I ensure that she stays awake for the short feeds the first few nights? Once I am able to stop night feedings, how do I get her to stay in her bed for the night? Do I continue to soothe and pat but in her own crib? This is going to be quite the process!! But I am ready! I think she is too!!
It is so nice to find this website and know that there ARE others whom believe in co-sleep and nursing beyond the 1st year! I have a question: I have a little girl that will be one in five days, and I am 5 months pregnant. My girl has always nursed to sleep and nurses back to sleep 3 to 5 times a night. But, the last few weeks she has been waking 12+ times a night and demands to be nursed back to sleep. She is teething with her first molars.. I feel this might be the main reason for the increased nursing, but am going crazy not getting good sleep being pregnant. I also was thinking she could be trying to increase my milk supply, which won’t happen since I am pregnant. We have started giving her a little bit of goat milk during the day to help with that. I have gotten to the point of almost showing anger at her for wanting to be nursed, which I hate. I just want to know if you think it is a good idea to try night weaning her now, while she is teething, or to try to wait? The baby is due in August and I am not sure if I can continue nursing my little girl and the newborn if she is still nursing 12+ times a night………
I know this seems too simple to work…but you might be surprised. Consider getting a blackout shade to pull down. They can be mounted behind blinds and window coverings within the window frame to it isn’t noticed during the day. It really darkens a room and can help that child with black and white boundaries to accept it to be sleeping time when the shade is down.
You are joining the majority of the cultures around the world by cosleeping and nursing. In the United States it can certainly seem otherwise in 2010, but it wasn’t always the crib and bottle world it can often be today.
It is really tricky to nurse while pregnant. Every pregnant mom I know that has continued to nurse through the pregnancy has a time when they feel the way you are expressing. It’s so hard to deal with the many variables that are clashing…toddler wants to increase milk supply but the typical system of nursing more often isn’t giving the same results, you’re exhausted from the life you are growing inside of you and she wants to nurse more often at night because she senses a BIG change is around the corner. She is being awakened at night by what can be very painful first molars coming in and of course looks to her best comfort to ease the pain. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but the truth is that there is no easy answer. It’s even impossible to know how you will feel about tandem nursing until you get there. I’ve known some moms that truly enjoyed tandem nursing. There are some benefits. You don’t ever have to wait for milk to truly come in with a toddler already nursing even though the makeup of the breastmilk changes to include colostrum. Colostrum can give the toddler runny stools for a few weeks. It will not be an easy task to wean a one year old when they know that a baby is on the way. Nursing can be used to help the two children bond together and share in something that is unique to the two of them only.
All that said…if you want to wean before the new baby arrives, then by all means set out some boundaries and decide how the two of you can best accomplish it. It’s also possible that you can teach your toddler that you nurse before you go to bed and then again in the morning light, then decide how you want to handle the day time. If sleep is the main issue then try to find a boundary to establish at night. Most can learn to go from a nursing at 10 or 11, knowing it’s YOUR last nursing before going to bed and then not nurse again until the sun is up….6 or a little earlier. Make a big huge deal of seeing the light in the sky and act so happy to be able to nurse because IT’S MORNING!! Put on your best acting skills.
Hope this helps. It might be a little too late to be thinking in orderly fashion.
Set about a plan of boundaries that you have talked about with her for a few days before it becomes the day to begin. Talk to her about how she is going to sleep in her own bed at night time and that you will be near if she needs you. Reassure her that you are there during the night, but that you’re wanting to be sleeping, too. I really try to make night time as dull a time as possible when a child wakes up. We don’t turn on any lights, play any music, turn on the TV, no noise since everyone is asleep or trying to be, and I lie down and fake it until I receive an Oscar. I yawn, and sigh, settle in and snuggle the edge of my blanket and close my eyes….even if I’m wide awake and annoyed that they are awake. Just pretend and play along and it will all follow because of your wonderful example.
In terms of getting her to stay in her bed…does she like her bed? how near your bed is it? does she has special things that she only gets when she’s in bed? Making it a wonderful place for “only” her can add appeal for an independent child. You know best what will make her take ownership of her sleep environment. And truly…I don’t care so much where everyone is sleeping as much as I care that everyone IS sleeping. It’s night time and we all need sleep to do all the playing and laughing that the next day has the potential to offer us.
Hope that helps you see that you can make a good solid plan, with reasonable components, and set the plan into action with group participation from all parties.
Has she had other dairy in her diet? Make sure she doesn’t react to dairy if you are giving her goat’s milk. While the protein is a little smaller than cow’s milk, it is still dairy.
Have you considered putting a mattress on the floor and sleeping with baby there? If baby gets accustomed to the mattress, you will be able to get them down to sleep and leave the room for a while to sleep with husband or get up and do something else. When you need to you can return to the bed to nurse and comfort. This sets the groundwork for having a place to sleep on for him when he’s ready to start extending sleeping in his own personal space. Use it as a transition period and resist creating battles over sleeping. It just creates other problems later on when going to bed becomes a battle. The most important factor is really simply. It’s not where everyone is sleeping, it’s THAT everyone is sleeping where ever they are sleeping. No one crying…everyone sleeping…that’s the goal.
Ha – are you sure we don’t share the same daughter
My daughter is now 14 months but was doing that when her molars started coming in. Since three broke in a row but they broke one at a time this lasted for about 3 weeks.
Giving her Tylenol right before bedtime (check with pediatrician) helped. I think that she was nursing alot for comfort because of the tooth pain but also because she was hungry since she would barely eat food during the day. She refused the bottle at first, but if I nursed her for awhile then switched to the bottle when she was pretty sleepy she would drain about 4 – 6 oz. I don’t think that I am producing much anymore so this helped put a little more in her tummy. On the nights that I was able to do this I noticed she would only wake up her normal 5 instead of 8. I would also try to do this for one of the night feedings. Hope it helps buy you a little more sleep
Thank you for your article, we have a baby just going on a year and i am 18 weeks pregnant. Our year old has slept with us since he has been born and has been breastfed when he wants. This creates major problems having intimacy between my Husband and myself and we are always so tired in the morning due to a squirming baby that wakes up after 3am every hr and doesn’t go to sleep until we turn the TV off at about 11pm…I REALLY want my bed back and it would be nice to sleep next to my Husband before the new baby comes (in Oct)I have somewhere to start now but i may have to move into the nursery and sleep there until things with baby is sorted…thank you..
Just a quick question….My baby has been very constipated for about 2 weeks now…he still has bowl movements everyday but a hard….could this be because of my hormones coming through my breast milk as i am pregnant? The baby has a very good balanced diet of fruit and veges and a reasonable amount of fluids to water during the day…
Thank you so much I will begin night weaning soon. I want to get as much info as possible. My baby is 16 months and she goes down at 9:30 (nursing to sleep followed by a pacifier and in bed with us) but she wakes up about 3-4 times around 2-5am whenever the paci falls out. So I am thinking that the first change needs to be the pacifier… I’m still reading all the info but I’m glad to get so much info from this article and see what I have been thinking and going through all here! I love the reference to the favorite restaurant being open 24 hours, I would definitely be awake at 3 for a snack
. Thank you so much!
I have always thought that a pacifier created far more problems than it might seem to solve. I think you are accurate that she is waking up because of a habit of sleeping with it in her mouth. While it may be difficult to teach her to sleep without it, I do think it will be key in helping her learn to sleep better at night.
It may be because your supply has dropped during pregnancy and he is taking in much less breastmilk than he was before. Double check and make sure that there have been no new solids added recently that can be constipating. Some constipating foods are infant cereals, rice, and sweet potato.
How often were you nursing when you felt like you weren’t producing as much anymore? The bottles may be what contributed to reducing your supply because your body isn’t all the signals needed to produce the supply for your toddler. It’s easy to get busy with an energetic toddler and not realize that they are spacing nursings further apart and supply drops back. Spacing nursings closer together and keeping baby at the breast for a good feeding will help to boost your supply back up.
I am not nursing as much as I did even last month (she is now 14 months) which is why I think my supply has dropped. I nurse on demand after I get home from work at about 6 pm. She used to nurse alot when I got home, at bedtime and then at least 5 times during the night but recently she is only nursing at bedtime and during the night. I don’t want to completely wean her until she is ready but I wouldn’t mind only nursing at bed time and then once or twice during the night. I am ready for a decent night’s sleep. Also, we are thinking about having a second but I haven’t started to cycle again yet so I am hoping that will start again if she is nursing less at night. Final question, I have read that it isn’t safe for infants to sleep with older children, if that is the case when would you suggest transitioning the toddler out of the bed and would you suggest a crib in the parents room so they don’t feel like they are getting kicked out?
You might want to consider putting a small mattress beside your bed and letting your toddler transition first to having her own space that is near you. It extends the family bed with more space yet also gives them an opportunity to enjoy having what is also their “own”. This sets up a nice arrangement by which you won’t have to worry about a kick or a hit from a sound sleeping older sibling that might hurt a newborn, but also in which your toddler doesn’t feel pushed out of what has been a wonderful nurturing environment for her. You’ve got plenty of time to make this transition slowly and follow her cues for dependency and independency just as you have already. You are laying the groundwork for a child that is comfortably independent because they become so when THEY are ready with the confidence that when they need you, you are there and they can lean on you. It’s a beautiful foundation for the relationship that you are building.
I am not one to encourage using a crib for a newborn predominantly because I see night time nursing in the same bed to provide the greatest quantity of sleep for all involved. How that transitioned, or exactly when that transitions, is very individual and will always work when the needs of all involved are treated respectfully. It’s alright and even appropriate in the beginning to put the newborn’s needs as the top priority during the night. For the sake of the whole family that should be allowed to gradually evolve as they get older at the pace that works well for that family.
Since she does her most frequent nursing at night, I think you are probably accurate in your assessment that it is this frequent night nursing that is keeping your cycle from returning. You may want to try and encourage nursing during the day or evening a little more if you want to move forward with night weaning. Getting that nursing shifted to daytime will make it much easier to space nursings out a little more while she’s awake and active. She has gotten comfortable with this reverse cycling that she has fallen into. It’s pretty hard to speak reason to a toddler in the middle of the night when they wake up and want to nurse! If you are feeling that it’s time to make some adjustments to your nursing relationship, you will find those easier to make when you are dealing with daytime nursings.
Hope this helps!
Thank you so much for all of your advice. I was so happy to find this site. My friends, in laws, co-workers and even pediatrician have all been against co-sleeping and night nursing. My parents were the only ones with any advice other then let that baby cry it out in the crib and wean her all ready. It is great to be able to find how-to information that we can use. Thank you!
You’re welcome! I know when I was looking for support with co-sleeping I had to look no further than own grandmother who, in the 30′s and 40′s took all her babies into their bed at night for the first year. Even in the US if you skip a generation you’ll find a lot more co-sleeping babies!
Thank you for your gentle approach to night weaning. I am unhappy about the idea of night weaning my 16 month old son, but don’t see any other way. His dentist said his upper front four teeth are starting to show the early signs of decay (white spot lesions). Since he eats healthy, doesn’t drink juice and we brush his teeth after every meal, his dentist said it had to be the all night nursing. This just breaks my heart, since I thought I was doing the best thing for him.
I’ve got some good reading for you here: http://65.61.36.192/alezav16/default2.asp?tree=619
You ARE doing what’s best for your son and I’ll have to disagree with the dentist on this. That’s an easy blame being taken for something that he doesn’t actually have a proven answer for, but breastmilk is actually anticariogenic and he’s merely showing his lack of knowledge about breastfeeding. There are a couple of factors that could be at work here…he may have a thinner enamel on his teeth but that is a genetic issue and not something you can control. It’s also possible that the baby teeth are just thinner in enamel since they can be more fragile teeth than his permanent teeth may end up being…time will only tell. One thing that you CAN know is that breastfeeding is by far the very best thing you could be doing for his longterm dental health, just like it’s the best thing you could be doing for all other reasons regarding his health and development!
I do not make light of what can feel like a restricted potential to participate evening activities that parenthood can bring with it, particularly in that first year when many babies are very dependent on the presence of their mother. However, I do truly commend you for putting your infant’s needs as a priority and for parenting in a way that respects her needs! While it may seem like she will never make the adjustment to going to sleep without you or happily letting someone else care for her it will not be long before can learn how to do this.
Thank you for advise!… I decided to try night weaning her and started the process.. which some nights are much easier than others. I know my milk has definitely changed now, it is more clear and not as much. She has had dairy before and seems to handle it okay. Her stools have started to get runny this last week, I’m wondering if that is the goat milk? Anyways, things seem a bit better after reading this site….I think the fact of knowing that there are other women that are going the same situation helps alot!
It’s possible that your milk is changing in consistency (though it’s more typically seen in the last month or so before delivery)… the change to colostrum can cause loose stools in the older nursling. I’d keep an eye out on the dairy regardless. Is it possible that you’ve increased the quantity with the addition of the goat’s milk? Two possible scenarios…one being a reaction to dairy that increases with each exposure and the other would be that the quantity increase is more than her system is tolerating.
Thanks for the link. I have always wondered about this.
What is the simplest way to unlatch without waking up the baby? Thanks.
Thank you for the wonderful article. I am torn…I think if I followed my instincts I would continue to night nurse until my 2.5 year old son decided for himself that he was done. But there are nights when it is very trying (on my nipples, as he tends to latch on for several hours straight in the wee hours of the morning; and on my energy level in the daytime). My main concern is that I just found out that I am pregnant with my second child. I’m feeling extra tired, but can cope with that. I am just not sure I will be able to cope with TWO night nursing children…a toddler and a newborn. What are your thoughts on this?
My thoughts are that when you reach that stage you will know how you’d like to proceed, but that this far away it’s hard to know and you can drive yourself insane imagining. I’ve known tandem nursing moms that love being able to continue nursing a toddler as they made the transition to a newborn sibling. I’ve known some moms that found it wasn’t what they wanted to continue and weaned the older child slowly to where they had an occasional daytime nursing instead of as often as their new sibling. They adjusted how they nursed and things settled down into a pattern that mom, toddler AND baby were happy with. All that to say…it’s really impossible this far ahead to know how you feel when you are faced with it. What you can know is that if you decide to try tandem nursing and you give it a couple of weeks and know it’s just not for you, then you can make adjustments to it until it’s to a place you want it to be. It’s all such a constantly evolutionary process and hits a lot of new territory, that walking into that new territory and seeing how it feels is possibly a very wise thing to do. You have the freedom to adjust what you don’t like. You also may want to consider night weaning your toddler and nurse during the day, and get that firmly established before new baby arrives.
Hope that helps.
Gently slide your pinkie finger at the corner of their mouth and break the suction, then ease out.
Wonderful to read something similar to what we have been trying with our one -year old. At his annual this last week, our doctor said we really should wean him at night to protect his teeth. Some nights he only wakes 1 -2 x to nurse but other nights many times. He generally is asleep by 8 p.m. and wakes up around 8 a.m. And the nights that he nurses all night do catch up with me. We do sleep in a family bed and we recently moved his crib/toddler bed next to ours without the rail and it works great as a co-sleeper. He starts off in his bed but often moves back between us by morning.
My 22 month old son was weaned about two weeks ago after an 8 week weaning process. He handled it very well. Since weaning however, getting him to sleep at night has become a problem. Naps are fine. We all get up at 6:30am and he naps from 11am until 12:30pm. I thought that I was waiting too long by putting him to sleep around 7:30 or 8p and just started trying to put him down around 7p. Also, Papa has come in the last few nights to assist. River rolls around, moving constantly for 30 to 90 minutes before finally giving over. It doesn’t seem to matter if I’ve run him ragged during the day or not. In a previous post there was a comment that a toddler of similar age might be ready to give up his nap. He seems awfully young to be giving up a nap, though. I guess I’m looking for suggestions as to how to settle him at night. Even as we cut back on the nursing he wasn’t fighting it this hard…..
Thanks in advance for your help.
My daughter is 25 months, and I am exhausted. I am thinking of night-weaning her. What prevents me from doing it, though, is that I night-weaned my son around the same age, for the same reason. Although he stopped nursing at night, he continued to wake at night (just as often as he did when night-nursing) for a good 6-8 months after night-weaning, so it did not help me sleep better. In fact, I think I slept more poorly after night-weaning, because it was easier for my to nurse him in my semi-sleeping state than it was for me to soothe him back to sleep.
After 6-8 months, he did start waking less, but still woke several times a night. He didn’t sleep through the night the first time until he was 3.5 years old (so almost 1.5 years after being night-weaned), and didn’t sleep through the night consistently until age 4. My daughter was born before my son started sleeping through the night, so I haven’t had a full-night sleep in more than 5.5 years. I am truly exhausted and my sleep habits are horrible. I’m truly afraid that I will be never be able to sleep well again, even when both of my children are sleeping through the night.
I am a little afraid of starting the process with her because I’m afraid of having the same experience. This article seems to imply that night-weaning will lead to sleeping through the night – but is this the common experience? It certainly wasn’t mine with my son, but I’m wondering whether my son was a rare exception?
In our experience – and that of many of our friends – the anger is part of the process. Our 15mo son was furious for many, many nights. Our approach was to hold him close, even when he was kicking and screaming, to offer him some containment while he was feeling out of control. We validated and accepted his anger, saying things like, “I know you are used to having milk and that you are really angry with me because I’m not giving you any”.
We felt that the broader values we take to parenting needed to be apparent in our approach to night weaning. We have very much appreciated the insights offered by people like Alfie Kohn, Naomi Aldort and Robin Grille in this regard.
I might add that we also drew on many of the techniques that Elizabeth Pantley suggests, so that by the time our son was ready for night weaning (note that it was about when he was ready, not when we were), he was already familiar with a number of other sleep and settling strategies.
Finally, we waited until we were sure our son could really understand the key message of “when the milk light comes on, that’s the time for mummy milk”. (ours is on a timer, which works a treat)
We’re on Day 6 and our 13 month old is NOT appreciating it! First night of not nursing was manageable, and the second night she spent 3 hours crying, trying to get comfortable, not succeeding, then crying again. She’d sleep for 5 minutes and wake herself up crying. Last night (day 3 of not nursing) she did go back to sleep but it wasn’t easy or peaceful. My husband did most of it last night and I’m nervous that with him back at work, tonight will be terrible again.
We decided to only do 5 hours, from 11-4. We set up a nightlight on a timer. When the light is off, “nursing goes night night.”
Do we keep going with Day 7, or should we stick in this phase a little longer? Is there anything else we should consider modifying, such as the length of time or anything else? I have noticed a drastic increase in the number of daytime calories she’s taking in now that she doesn’t nurse all night long. I’m so sleep deprived, it’s hard to not just stick a boob in the mouth and call it a night right now…
Thanks for any advice or encouragement!
What a great idea to use a night light on timer. Your instinct of needing to start with 5 hrs. is what is most important. Trust that you know whether you should move on or she needs to stay at this stage for longer. Some babies take a little longer than others to accept the change of the night time pattern. Have you worked on getting her accustomed to another means of comfort that is consistent? patting…a shushing sound…holding her hand…whatever works for her.
Hard to say that “most” sleep through the night with night weaning, but many, with a little or a little more time, learn to go back to sleep during the night. I wouldn’t call your son a rare exception. You definitely can’t count on night weaning bringing about a changed sleeping pattern, because it doesn’t always go hand in hand…as you’ve found out. There are some babies that sleep very long nights almost from birth and others that seem to wake endlessly, take brief naps and we wonder how they fuel their endless energy with such little sleep! It seems as if their sleep style comes along with their personality. What you can teach those frequent wakers, is ways to soothe themselves and go back to sleep to get their cumulative sleep hours to what is needed for their health. What you can’t control, unfortunately, is how long it takes them to learn it. It’s truly a marvel that we survive parenting as tiring as it is!
When you put him to bed at night do you have a consistent pattern of things you progress through that ends with quietly reading a book? Some toddlers find comfort from the expected progression of a string of events that they can predict. Unfortunately, the tossing and flopping around is part of the process for some kids. My twins went through a stage where I taught them that we would read a book for each of them and then I would read to them until they fell asleep if they would lie down and be quiet. They flopped around a lot but didn’t talk and eventually fell asleep. I did a LOT of reading in those days! We then progressed to them lying down and being quiet and I would read to myself while sitting in their room. This whole process progressed to the point where as young children they were given time to quietly read books in their bed before lights out. What I found about this process was that it wasn’t quite how I had imagined teaching them to fall asleep, and I read for MUCH longer than I wanted to be, BUT they were learning to go to sleep with no tears, no fussing, no dread and when they had fallen asleep I felt good about myself and our process. I couldn’t stand to end each night with bedtime battles and had to find a “new” way that I hadn’t thought of before. Whatever method you can find that you and he can be at peace with and that preserves the relationship you have as parents and child, and respects that for whatever reason it’s hard for him to let go of being awake you understand that it’s hard and will help him learn to drift off and get refueled for the next day.
Hope this helps.
My daughter nurses through the night and wakes up 7-12 times each night. I am pretty confident that I can night-ween her since she also responds to rocking. But I am unable to have any success in putting her down before she’s sound asleep.
(1) She either starts crying immediately and unless I start rocking her again, it will escalate to the point where she will vomit. Sadly, I’ve tried this before with her.
OR
(2) She will wake up and start playing by herself. Mind you that I am not playing with her and there are no toys around. She can play up to an hour on her own and then will start wailing. Once she’s crying, I’m caught in the same predicament of either I rock her back to sleep or her cries will just escalate.
She is a very spirited child that is extremely persistent. She does not adapt easily to change. Shushing, patting, rubbing and cuddling don’t work at all. Rocking and nursing are the only 2 things that work with her. I would like to rock her and put her down just before she’s completely asleep so she can start to learn how to self soothe. And tips on how I can accomplish this? Do I just let her cry a little each time? Or will this built a habit for her that if she cries, mama will come pick her up?
Would really appreciate any advise.
Thank you so much.
Maya
How old is your daughter?
Your daughter may simply not be ready to lie down until she is asleep. This isn’t unusual with a very high spirited child. It’s as if they are so afraid they might miss something that they are compelled to fight going to sleep. If you are wanting to eliminate night time nursing you may need to decide if you’re happy to move to rocking. That may mean rocking in the middle of the night for a while. Once you get the night weaning established well you can decide how you’d like to move forward, but trying to accomplish both of night weaning and teaching her to lie down while still awake is very unlikely to happen.
Personally, I think that the message that if you cry Mama will come is a good message for our children to have. With time she will get to the place where you can teach her to lie down if you are still there with her, but that is a few steps down the road. Taking one step at a time and then reassessing how you think you can successfully proceed is a good way to help yourself to stay concentrated on the step you are on. I have had both an infant that would lie down as newborn and happily drift off to sleep and one that I was celebrating teaching her that I could lie next to her holding her hand when she was two! So I’ve been there and know that it’s easy to wonder if they’ll EVER learn to lie down and fall asleep…and they will. They will in the process of micro-mini steps that you divide the learning into that helps them adjust slowly at their speed. I don’t believe the people who say that if an infant doesn’t learn to lie down and fall asleep that they never will. I have children of my own that were nursed and rocked to sleep that grew into young children that went to bed with no difficulties and are now grown adults living their own lives. And it seems like yesterday. Children grow up so fast that when you look back at how the years have flown by you will never regret a moment you spent rocking your child!
Hope that helps.
Just wanted to let you know that this was my saving grace when I needed to night-wean our 25 month old son. I was pregnant with our daughter, and nursing him was becoming painful and miserable for me. Still, it was important to wean him compassionately and gently.
I followed your plan pretty much to the letter, and he was completely weaned (without tears) by 29 months.
I am now gearing up to use your plan with our daughter, some 3 years later.
Thank you, Dr. G.
My daughter is 13 months old. She sleeps about half the time in her crib and several nights a week half of the night when I’m thoroughly exhausted she’s in our bed or with me in the chair in her room. To get to sleep she nurses for 20min to an hour every night. We do the same routine every night. Sometimes she will wake up hourly until 11 or so. Other times she goes for 3 hours right away and wakes up as I lay down. Regardless if she woke hourly until 11 or not she usually wakes up around midnight/1am, 3a and 5a then will sleep until 7 or 8. On average she’s up 4-8 times a night. Once a month we might get less than 3 wakings a night and it’s been that way since she was born.
She’s a very intense child. There’s no middle ground. She was in the nicu for the first week, no one was allowed to pick her up and she did this hysterical bloody murder screaming that she still has then too and got quite the reputation with the nurses for it. She will not take a paci and she has no lovey object, though we’ve tried both. She’s very attached to me and I’ve never been able to leave her because no one is willing to watch her with that cry and the inability to comfort her. Patting, rocking, shushing, riding in the car – none of it comforts her. The only thing that works is nursing but last night we nursed at least 12 times and it’s just too much. No one is getting any sleep even with her in our bed. She’s not hungry, she just wants to nurse. Everything always says if they get hysterical to stop, comfort them and try again, but that’s where she starts so I’ve continued to wait it out. I know she’s not really scared laying in bed with me not nursing, she’s just very angry. Do we chalk the cry up to her being an overly dramatic intense child and go ahead with night weaning or is that a sign that she’s just not ready? The time is definitely ripe for me but I’m doubtful she’ll ever happily give it up. Is night weaning something we should be attempting or not this soon with a child like this?
Thanks for any advice.
I stopped giving my daughter naps at about your sons age. She was the same way. It would take between one and two occasionally even three hours for her to fall asleep, but for us it was also a battle to give her a nap. I thought she was too young to give up naps too, but as soon as I gave in and stopped giving her naps she would fall asleep in minutes. She was actually less grouchy by the end of the day, we did move her bedtime up by an hour or two though. She would sleep as late as she did before that, so she was getting about 14 hours a night. Naps just didnt work for her as well as getting it all at once.
Hi Jane,
I printed out Dr. Gordon’s advice about 4 months ago and have been waiting for the “right” time to start. I also have a 13 month old and when I read your post it sounds EXACTLY like my life and what I think will happen. My son is very spirited and gets downright angry and basically doesn’t even want to be touched if I’m not going to nurse him. He will scream and be unsettled for hours before falling back to sleep. I’ve only tried this maybe twice and quickly realized it wasn’t worth the effort.
How is it going for you now? have you made any progress? I can’t decide if it’s worth it or not. He nurses about 10 times per night and I’m exhausted, but listening to him cry and thrash around next to me will exhaust me even more I’m sure…not to mention break my heart of course. If there’s a light at the end of the tunnel though I’m willing to go for it and be persistent. Thanks for any advice or response you can give me!!!
Hi again. Still trying. I’m waiting to figure out what to do next. I’m holding her and reading still. Holding longer… so that I’m not up for 2 hours.
To help her to fall asleep laying down. What would you suggest? I saw that you mentioned holding her hand. What if she doesn’t respond to this. Did your child still cry themselves to sleep as you held their hand. Is this healthy to have them cry themselves to sleep….get so tired that they fall asleep? I want to help her get to sleep in a more peaceful way? Hope to hear from you soon. It is tempting to just let her nurse. I’ve decreased the length of time a few nights so that I could sleep. I’m stuck.
I want to help her.. but I want to find a way that is peaceful but wont require me to be up a few time holding or reading to her. This is worse then just letting her nurse for a few minutes.
Thanks for your help.
I only used reading for one nap or the beginning of the night. I don’t recommend doing ANYthing in the middle of the night that is not “awake time” activity. Part of what you’re trying to teach her is that night time is for sleeping or lying quietly and resting. I would expect some fussing in the beginning stages, but no, I didn’t have mine cry to sleep even if they weren’t terribly happy about the other means of comfort I was offering instead of nursing.
With my youngest, I tried night weaning and it just was so unsuccessful after a few days that I decided I’d rather go back to nursing at night. Three months later I tried again and it worked with little difficulty and she was happily night weaned and accepting other comfort within two weeks. Sometimes the timing just isn’t right. If you feel you’d rather return to nursing at night and that it’s better than the what is happening now, then consider it. She may need another approach such as limiting the length of night time nursings. Some children respond well to nursing to counting slowly to 10 or 20 and then accepting another means of comfort.
I know that it is difficult to teach some children to handle the night time hours well. It’s very hard to deal with it all when you’re exhausted from constantly interrupted sleep. What IS wonderful for your child is that you are caring and concerned about making a transition that helps her be able to continue nursing but sets limits that she WILL adjust to because she knows that you are there for her, will comfort her and help her make the adjustment however long it takes.
Hope that helps.
Have you considered that she could be reacting to some foods? Are there any other signs besides her intensity, high pitched screaming and sleeping issues that might be considered symptoms? Eczema or rashes? Nasal congestion? Green BMs? Sometimes kids that are reacting to foods they are eating or mom is eating will exhibit classic allergy symptoms. I’ve seen some remarkable change in behavior and sleeping when certain foods were eliminated.
Hi Allison,
I saw your post on Dr. Jay Gordon’s website… on night weaning.
I have a 28month old who still nurses — sometimes a lot, sometimes not so much. I already moved her into her own room about a month ago. I am pregnant with number 2.. due in August… and was convinced I needed to have my oldest out of our bed before our second came along.
I was just curious, did you keep both children in bed with you? How did you work the sleeping arrangement?
thanks for any help!
My daughter is 19 months. We have been bed sharing since she was born. I would like to wean her off completely and get her into her own bed by 24 months. What task do I start with first? When should I start? Now? Currently, she nurses in the morning and in the evening to fall asleep. She goes down at 7:30 pm and stirs again around 8:30; afterwards, she will wake-up at 6 am. Also, in the late afternoon, when I get home, she wants to nurse.
Thanks. She has no eczema and no rashes. BMs were runny before starting solids but considered normal breastfed BMs, little constipation since solids started if we’re not diligent about getting her fruits in but nothing green, frothy or mucousy. She’s not excessively gassy. She eats most anything that we eat now in addition to nursing. Unless she’s allergic to the actual breastmilk, I would have expected any food allergy or sensitivity to worsen with her eating the food directly but we’ve noticed no changes. This just seems to be her temperament. The moment she begins nursing the crying stops and it’s just like any other nursing session. She is beginning to be able to be distracted and held off for longer and longer, accepting of people other than me, etc. Maybe it’s just something we need to give her more time with before trying. I guess we’ll hold off night weaning for now. Thanks again.
Nursing 3x a day, morning, late afternoon and evening, is already well on the way to being weaned. If you want to back off further you would need to decide which single nursing you’d like to eliminate and work on that one only until you have it established well. When you’re at 2 nursings for at least week, then you could consider how to progress. I would encourage you to take some time cutting back nursings both for her adjustment and also so you don’t get mastitis from milk staying in the breast. I would also encourage you to consider making sure she is nursing at least once a day until age two. There is major brain growth that continues to age two that is only optimally supported by breastmilk. There is also the immunity factor that breastmilk is for a toddler with a powerpacked dose even with a single nursing a day.
Three times a day works fine Monday through Friday, but on weekends, it is still “on demand” nursing. How do I get to 2x a day? Refrain from making the milk available? Distract her? Should I wait until my daughter is closer to 24 months to decrease to 2x since there are still so many benefits? (I certainly intend to single nurse at least until she is 2.) Should I work on getting her into her own bed now or wean her first?
Are you wanting it to be different on the weekends? Yes, distraction is the best tool if wanting to delay nursings for a toddler. I would definitely separate the weaning from the change in sleeping arrangement. It doesn’t matter which you do first…it can really be done either way.
Hi there,
well, in april, I couldn’t sleep in our bed without little Sammy waking regurlarly – he would only sleep thru if I was sleeping outside of our bedroom in the spare bed.
it is now june, and I have night-weaned little Sam – it took a lot of effort and determination on my part, but the moment turned up eventually and I seized it. He started off sleeping from 8 p.m. until 3a.m., we then moved on to 5 a.m., and last week we stretched it to 6 a.m.
Oh how I love to sleep through the night !!!
I just wanted to say thank yo so much for your article and all the advice I found in the different remarks and complementary personalized advice you provided.
Your article has really made a difference in my approach to nightweaning my little spirited boy, and we are all so much better off now.
So millions of thanks !!!
Just wanted to say thank you! This has worked really well for me and my 18 month old. I think we’ll continue to use the method to wean him from his bedtime and morning nursings when the time comes.
I have been trying to look for a sleep solution for my 9 month old (and myself) and after reading your article, I feel more optimistic about getting us both better sleep. My question is in regards to daytime napping. My baby girl just won’t sleep properly in her crib; she wakes up every few minutes and calms when i give her my hand. Often is the case i would stay with her with my arm hanging over the crib – not an ideal solution. I have read how important it is for babies to get their three hours of sleep during the day, so ofcourse being concerned, I have changed over and been taking naps with her durng the day on our family bed. In one way, I get my rest too but on the other hand there are so many things i need to get done, the extra time from nap time would be so helpful. Do you have any suggestions for me?
My second question has to do with breastfeeding. My daughter will be going to daycare when she turns 12 months old. I would love to continue breastfeeding until she is two but not sure it is possible. I would like to plan my second pregnancy in a few months (my daughter would be about 15 months old) but was wondering if it is safe to continue breastfeeding when pregnant. I just want to make it is safe for the fetus and ensure that resourses/nutriets etc. are not being depleted. Any advise you could provide would be so helpful.
Thank you.
A few months back, I’m so glad that I read “older baby” when I did – it really helped me to stress less about sleep and just continue to meet the needs of my 9 month old child, cosleeping, during the night. When she turned one, I think we both knew it was time for a new pattern. She’s in her own bed at 8pm and wakes once around 1 or 2am for a full feeding (I think she needs it because she’s a VERY active toddler and doesn’t really eat much during the day). I put her back in her bed, she sleeps until she hears the birds chirp, and joins mommy and daddy for the rest of the morning sleep until after 8am (!!!)… and more milk. It took awhile to establish, but seemed much easier to do after trial (I regret that I did) and error when she was younger. It works for us. I now advocate to sleep-junkie mothers to WAIT and enjoy cuddling and spending time with their babies at night… while they are still babies:-)
I also read a book when my twins were newborns, Dr. William Sears “Nighttime Parenting”, that stopped the battle I had created for myself regarding sleep and made for a much more relaxed approach. I enjoyed years of cosleeping with my babies and they all grew into young children that slept very well in their own beds. I strongly feel that the process of allowing each child to transition as they were ready was key to the elimination of night time battles.
I’m glad the article with a process of gently helping your child learn to sleep at night helped you! I don’t agree that it’s vital for an infant to get 3 hrs of sleep during the day. What they do need is enough sleep over a 24 hr period that they are growing and developing well and able to predominantly keep a happy disposition. The amount of sleep required varies according to the individual in infants just as it does in adults. Some 9 month olds take 2 naps during the day, some take 1 and some take none. Since you are planning on transitioning to a daycare at 12 months, I would recommend teaching her to maintain an afternoon naptime pattern, even if she learns to lay quietly and rest without sleeping, because it will be expected at daycare. Do you know if they use toddler cots at daycare for naps? It might be worth it to find out and go ahead and transition her to rest time on a cot. You could get a toddler cot, or simply fashion a low sleeping area that you “call” a cot.
All that said…I don’t think it’s a bad idea that you lie down and take a nap with her either. I don’t think I know any moms that aren’t tired and trying to do more in one day that is reasonable with less sleep than they should to do it on.
It is absolutely possible to continue breastfeeding after a year even if you are working and she is in daycare. I would strongly suggest that you maintain at least 1 nursing a day to provide her with the powerpacked immunities in breastmilk as she transitions to being in a daycare. Nursing in the morning and in the evening would also provide her a way to reconnect with you at the end of the day. Yes, you can nurse during pregnancy as long as you are not at miscarriage risk and have been placed on complete pelvic rest. In most situations, it is fine, though there can be struggles with supply dropping back in the early months of pregnancy. I have a lot of information on nursing through pregnancy here: http://65.61.36.192/alezav16/default2.asp?tree=664
Hope that helps.
We have a 1 year old son that was diagnosed with Eosinophilic esophagitis after an endoscopy. Breastfeeding is still basically his only source of nutrition. He is just now showing some interest in food, and doesn’t gag anymore when feed puree food. Still he only eats about 6 bites in each sitting a couple of times a day. He night feeds thoughout the night with 2-5am being the worst. We want to try this program, but I am concerned that he is asking to feed so much for both nutrition and comfort. Are there any specific signs that I can look for to know that it’s only comfort that he is looking for in the night and can go 7 hours without food. We are desperate for a change. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
It is more common than you might realize to have issues with swallowing food at a year old. There is no concern nutritionally for a breastfed one year old as it is completely fine to have only breastmilk in the first year and meet all nutritional needs. There is not a rush to make the transition to food, but should be something that happens over the next year as he mixed solids in with breastfeeding. Have you tried offering him little bits of ripe fruit to move around in his mouth on his own or to suck off of? Some toddlers react to pureed food when they don’t do more solid pieces that don’t slide down their throat as easily. It can be the difference between what feels like a thickened liquid and being in control of soft solid pieces. It would be worth experimenting with if you haven’t already. There is often a lot of progress with the consumption of food between 12 and 18 months, and the whole picture may change dramatically within 6 months.
I know that this is probably not what you want to hear, but I would be hesitant to encourage night weaning with the food issue present. You may be able to encourage more nursings during the day and particularly in the evening, but I would be careful about cutting out nursings at night unless daytime nursings increase when his sole nutrition is coming from nursing. Since he is nursing well, swallowing itself isn’t an issue but texture. There are some things that can be done to assist with adjusting to texture and an informed professional could assist you with ways to work with this. I would also do some experimenting with seeing if he has aversion to feeling different textures with his hands or feet. For some kids it isn’t just an issue with texture IN their mouth but touching anything. There are many things that can be done to help with this that are as simple as teaching them to play with a large container of beans or rice much in the same manner that you would play with toys in sand. This is also an area of specialty that you should be able to seek some help with that does not focus on the consumption of food as the only solution.
Hope that helps.
We are on day 15 of this night weaning my 16 month old and it has worked so well. On the third night, the first night of no milk between 11 and 6 we had 45 minutes of crying but after that it got much easier. Now if she wakes for milk she usually resettles herself or with a little rub on her back. At 5am we sometimes have more of a struggle of her trying to get into my t-shirt with the sun coming up but usually she will go back to sleep.
This method has really helped, but I might not have been able to put it into practice before now, I am thinking this was the perfect time for her. At the moment she is sleeping in her own bed usually till about 2am before she wakes and toddles into our room. Thank you.
I love this article. There’s hope for sleep and a happy baby!
Hi,
I am wondering about the 7 hours (11-6). Does the 7 hours begin when baby goes to sleep? For example, if I nurse my 16 month old to sleep at 9pm, is that when the 7 hour stretch starts? So, basically, I wouldn’t let her nurse again until at least 4am? I often don’t go to bed until midnight. Is it unrealistic to get her to bed at 9pm, but not let her nurse for 8-10 hours later? If she wakes at 4am (7 hours later after her last feeding), should I feed her, or let her cry and go back to sleep until 7am?
Thanks!
Hi
Off topic slightly, but do you know any research about ivf/breastfeeding? I’ve been struggling to find ways to night wean my 13 month old, because I thought I needed to do this in order to have a chance of giving him a sibling (he was an ivf baby.) Both of us would like to carry on for a while, I think – he certainly would at night – but time is not on my side and I can’t afford to wait till he grows out of this naturally. I know that the clinics advise against carrying on nursing while doing an ivf cycle but I wondered if you had any knowledge as to whether this was based on adequate research?
many thanks
Please send email with medications your doctor would like to place you on during IVF.
Yes, time period would begin when baby goes to sleep, not mother. I would not leave a baby to cry during the process. If she is with you and you are offering other comfort and teaching to sleep at night, and she cries or fusses during that process, it is a dramatically different thing than leaving a baby to cry to sleep. I never advocate leaving to cry it out.
Ok, yes the process has been working for us. I was not letting her cry it out, but right there beside her to comfort her until she fell back asleep, which didn’t take too long. So, once we have them sleeping with no nursing for 7 hours straight, is it ok to follow this same process to get them to go longer, like 8-10 hours total before nursing again? If I put baby down at 9pm, I really don’t want to feed her at 4am. Another option would be to wake her to nurse when I go to sleep at 11 or 12. Which do you think is best?
Thanks!
Both ways can work, approaching with slowly extending the length without nursing or waking prior to going to sleep yourself for the last nursing of the “night”. You would be the best judge of which will work best for your child. Glad you’re having some success with her accepting your comfort at night without nursing all night.
Hi! Did you get an answer to this? I just saw this, and I have the exact same question about my 16 month old (she is an ivf baby and I wil be 42 next month . . . I have no desire to wean her except that we really want to start the process for another baby). She co-sleeps and still nurses at night and I hate, for both of us, to give it up — but my dr tells me I have to in order to start IVF again. thanks!
Turns out my little boy (age 2.5) has a cavity on one of his upper front teeth and the dentist is recommending an end to night nursing. I don’t want to upset my child who has always had complete access to Mommy throughout the night unless it is really warranted. What are your thoughts on this? Do you know where I might find resources to support continued night nursing and dental health? Thank you.
We are still working on a major update to the Link Library which will include this information on dental caries from our “old” Link Library: http://65.61.36.192/alezav16/default2.asp?tree=619
Overall with IVF with a toddler nursing there is little significant concern for the amount that is transfered via breastmilk to the toddler, but the concern lies in what effect nursing may have on the implantation and achieving pregnancy. While we know that many moms get pregnant while still nursing, it is technically more favorable for achieving pregnancy after weaning. The decision on this is up to the parents and not one that is easy to make because you are obviously very committed to all the benefits of nursing and are torn between meeting all the needs of your toddler as well as your desire to make it optimal for pregnancy. You are the only one that can ultimately make that choice. Yes, I have known nursing moms that continued to nurse, went through IVF and achieved pregnancy and continued to nurse throughout the pregnancy. Yes, I have known moms that chose to wean and did not have a successful IVF procedure that led to pregnancy. The “what if’s” are a tricky thing to live with in life, but inevitable.
I wish you the very best as continue on this path of parenting!
Dr. Thomas Hale is the foremost authority on medications and breastfeeding. His book “Medications and Mothers’ Milk”, which is updated and published every two years, is in its 13th edition and THE book to turn to for information on medication for nursing moms.
As an example of the information available in Dr. Hale’s book I have listed two of the medications used in IVF and Dr. Hale’s details on them:
Pregnyl
Human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) is a large polypeptide hormone produced by the human placenta with functions similar to luteinizing hormone (LH). Its function is to stimulate the corpus luteum of the ovary to produce progesterone, thus sustaining pregnancy. During pregnancy, HCG secreted by the placenta maintains the corpus luteum, supporting estrogen and progesterone secretion and preventing menstruation. It is used for multiple purposes including pediatric cryptorchidism, male hypogonadism, and ovulatory failure. HCG has no known effect on fat mobilization, appetite, sense of hunger, or body fat distribution. HCG has NOT been found to be effective in treatment of obesity.
Due to the large molecular weight (47,000) of HCG, it would be extremely unlikely to penetrate into human milk. Further, it would not be orally bioavailable due to destruction in the GI tract.
Choriogonadotropin alfa (Ovidrel) is a biosynthetic form of the human chorionic gonadotropin.
Pregnancy Risk Category: X
Lactation Risk Category: L3
Adult Concerns: Headache, irritability, restlessness, depression, fatigue, edema, gynecomastia, pain at injection site.
Pediatric Concerns: None reported via milk. Absorption unlikely due to gastric digestion and poor penetration into milk.
Adult Dose: 5000-10000 units X1
T 1/2: 5.6 hrs
Tmax: 6 hrs
MW: 47,000
Oral: 0%
References:
1. Drug Facts and Comparisons 1996 ed. ed. St. Louis: 1996.
2. Pharmaceutical Manufacturer Prescribing information. 1997.
Cyclogest
Preogesterone is a naturally occurring steroid (progestin) that is secreted by the ovary, placenta, and adrenal gland. Oral administration is hampered by rapid and extensive intestinal and liver metabolism leading to poorly sustained serum concentrations and poor bioavailability. As progesterone is virtually unabsorbed orally, the vaginal route has become the most established way to deliver natural progesterone because it is easily administered, avoids liver first-pass metabolism, and has no systemic side-effects. Absorption through the bagina produces higher uterine levels and is called the “uterine first-pass effect”. A study by Levine suggests the area under the curve is about 38 times less with oral administration as with progesterone vaginal gel (Crinone). Thus fewer systemic effects are noted.
With the use of progesterone in breastfeeding mothers, two principles of paramount interest. What effect does it have on milk roduction and the components of milk? Does it transfer into milk in high enough levels to affect the infant directly? In general, there is significant confusion in the literature as to the effect of progestins on milk composition, but the cmpositional changes do not appear major, volume is normal or higher, and some authors report minor changes in lipid and protein content. However, the majority of the studies are with other progestins (e.g. medroxyprogesterone). Shaaban studied the effect of an intravaginal progesterone ring (10 mg/d) in 120 women and found no changes in growth and development of the infant or breastfeeding performance of the study p0articipants. The author suggests the ring adds a measure of safety because the amount of steroid present in milk would be effectively absorbed from the infant’s gut. Another new study also suggests no impact on breastfeeding from the intravaginal progesterone ring.
The effect of progestins on milk production is poorly studied. Early postpartum, while progestin receptors are still present in the breast, administering progestins may actually suppress milk production just as it does in the pregnant women. This has been seen occasionally in patients early postpartum. Several days to a week later, most progestin receptors disappear from the lactocyte and breast tissues become relatively immune to the effects of progestins. Thus it is advisable to wait as long as possible postpartum prior to instituting therapy with progesterone to avoid reducing the milk supply.
The direct effect of progesterone therapy on the nursing infant is generally unknown, but it is believed minimal to none as natural progesterone is poorly bioavailable to the infant via milk. Several cases of gynecomastia in infants have been reported but are extremely rare.
Lactation Risk Category: L3
Adult Concerns: Bloating, cramps, pain, dizziness, headache, nausea, breast pain, constipation, diarrhea, nausea, somnolence, breast enlargement
Pediatric Concerns: None reported, not bioavailable.
Drug Interactions: May increase estrogen levels when co-administered with estrogen-containing tablets. Increased doxorubicin-induced neutropenia when co-administered. Ketoconazole may increase levels of progesterone.
Adult Dose: 90 mg daily
T 1/2: 13-18 hrs
Tmax: 6 hrs
MW: 314
PB: 99%
Oral: Low
References: 7 studies referenced
jd, you do not “have” to wean to achieve pregnancy. It’s a tough decision to make when nursing a toddler and planning IVF. Your determination of your cycles and if you feel nursing is affecting your cycles is the best place to start. It is possible to chart your cycle while nursing and should be beneficial to your assessment of how your own nursing situation is affecting your cycles. This information should be helpful in your decision making process.
Our son is 3 years old. He has always had trouble sleeping and waking very early. As an infant and toddler he had very bad reflux, however he is fine now. Recently he has been waking up around 4. He has just started to not want to nap….somedays He will fall asleep on the couch. When he does nap he goes to sleep around 9 (no nap around 7)…on a good day he will wake up at 6ish. On a bad day he will wake up at 4 and not go back to sleep, no matter how many times I try to put him back in his bed and he is very upset during this time. I have been putting him asleep awake for a week now,(prior I would lay with him until he was almost asleep)…he has never slept in our bed besides the first 4 months of his life) sometimes it can take 10 to 20 times of him getting out of bed (and me gently putting him back) before he will actually fall asleep alone. However he still wakes up 1-2 times a night. He was sleeping pretty good between 15 months and 3 but right when we changed to the toddler bed all of these problems started. Should I just continue your approach of putting him asleep awake and maybe after 2 weeks this will get better? I am fine waking up at 5 but 4 is a problem for our family…do you have any recommendations? I know he could be reducing his overall hours of sleep but if he gets up at 4 he will fall asleep by 8 in the car or stroller. If he wakes up after 6 he is fine until his nap and his mood is much better.
Let me make sure that I’m understanding correctly. If he doesn’t nap he goes to bed at 7p and wakes at 4a? That’s 9 hrs of sleeping. Even if he does take a nap and goes to bed at 9p if he wakes at 4a he has been asleep for 7 hrs. How long are his naps when he takes one? While most 3 yr old may be sleeping more hours in a 24 hr period than he is, there are some that don’t sleep as many hours. 9-10 hrs. may be the maximum sleeping time he requires. Is he alert and happy when he’s awake? Energetic? Growing well? On track developmentally?
I don’t think it matter so much whether you are putting him to bed asleep, almost asleep or awake. I think what matters is that he is learning to happily go to sleep. You are the one that knows best how he makes that transition. Whether that includes nursing to sleep, reading a book, lying quietly together and talking about dreams, or whatEVER helps your child to settle down for the night without crying or bedtime drama is what is good for both of you! The same thing applies to waking at 4a. I would concentrate not on the fact that you wish he weren’t awake at 4a, but teaching him that if he DOES wake up at 4a he needs to respect that it’s still night time and others want to sleep even if he doesn’t, so quiet activities are all that he can do. Lying in bed reading books, whispering secrets to a stuffed animal….again whatEVER works to teach him that it’s still quiet time because it’s still night time and others are sleeping. It might help him to have a clock in his room so that he can see that it’s still night time in addition to it being dark outside the window!
Hope that helps.
I recently had to start a full-time internship after being a full-time stay at home mom to my 13 month old son. He was down to 2 nursing sessions/night before I started working, but now, of course, he is waking 4-5 times per night again to nurse back to sleep (we co-slept for the first 6 months and then transitioned him to a crib in his very nearby bedroom). I have arranged my schedule so that I can be with him from 4pm until bedtime (730 or
each weeknight and all day on Sat & Sun. I want to allow him time to adjust and give him as much cuddle time with me as possible, but after 13 months of sleep deprivation and a recent minor car accident, we consider it imperative that better, longer sleep becomes a higher priority in our home. I think I could handle 1 waking, but I’m not sure how to adjust the above plan to accomplish that. I suppose 1 waking waking could be encouraged just before 11pm. Do you have any other thoughts or suggestions? Thank you.
It’s a tough adjustment when Mom goes back to work both for Mom and baby! I would expect it to take a little bit of time to make that adjustment. Your idea of waking him to get a good nursing before you go to sleep is a good one. I would also encourage you to cluster nurse between 4p and 7:30p, nursing at least every hour. This may help him both with the need to nurse and the change of your constant availability.
When you are home for the weekend is there a morning that you can go back to sleep after the first morning nursing and let someone else take him for a walk or out of the house and get a couple of hours of solid sleep? A couple of hours of sleep without that sense of listening for the baby can give you the boost that you need to combat the exhaustion. At least temporarily this may help you get over the transition period.
Hope that helps.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to update the Library Links on the subject of breastfeeding and tooth decay. Our 11-month old has cavities on the back of her upper front teeth, and two dentists (one pediatric) have told my partner to stop night-nursing. But we don’t want to stop our baby from nursing on demand, during the day or night.
Anyway, what struck me was that when I mentioned that the most recently published studies in peer-reviewed journals conclude that evidence for the link between night-nursing and tooth decay is inconclusive, neither dentist knew what I was talking about. I’m a bit disturbed by the fact that my dentists are making recommendations based on outdated research. An updated Links Library is most welcome!
I’m equally disturbed at the general lack of accurate information regarding breastfeeding in pediatrician’s offices. Sadly this doesn’t surprise me. I suggest taking some of that current study information to those dentists.
I hope to have the updated Link Library up by August.